Confessions

October and November have been busy months. I got a chance to speak at a church and share my weight lost journey with a group of ladies. The experience was humbling. I shared a picture of me at my heaviest 2 years ago. It was surreal to look at myself. Sometimes, I still feel like that girl, and I don't believe what I see in the mirror today. Needless to say, I still need to work on my self-image. However, it is so much better than it used to be. A lot of people I know are doing this "30 days of Thanks" activity. I have a lot to be thankful for. I recently celebrated seven years of marriage. I am thankful that my husband is an encourager,and he says I am beautiful everyday.We have been through and shared so much. I am grateful that he has been apart of my journey. My son just turned 5 and he has the most amazing spirit. God is truly working in my life. I need all 365 days to thank Him, and I try my best to do so. There is something about this time of year that stirs up a myriad of feelings: happiness, joy, sadness, expectation, anxiety. I tend to get very reflective around this time, thinking about things I did right, things I did wrong, things I never should have attempted. Well, I guess now would be the most appropriate time to make a few confessions. 1. I am still struggling with my weight. I have lost the weight, and I have been maintaining it for the last two months. Yet, I fight constantly to resist the urge to make unhealthy choices. I give myself freedom to splurge occasionally, but I realize that sometimes a little bit of freedom can be too much for me. I have overindulged on a few occasions, most recently, my anniversary. Most people would say I did pretty good with my menu choice. We went to Bonefish Grill, one of my favorite places. Aside from the bread, the bang bang shrimp, and key lime pie, I'd say I did pretty good with the salmon, asparagus and side salad. Yet, I felt extremely guilty. I knew I was going to work it off the next day, so why was I feeling so bad? Will this "guilt" be something I struggle with for the rest of my days? Then, it occurred to me. Maybe I should not be resisting the urge to eat what I want so much, but resist the urge to feel guilty afterwards. Accept responsibility for making one of the few poor choices I may make on a weekly basis, enjoy the moment, and move on. 2. I still weigh myself, everyday. Some people may think this is a bit obsessive. For me, right now at this point in my journey, it is necessary. Like I have said before, my goal is to stay +/- 2lbs away from 150lbs. If I hit 152.9, I am in danger (at least in my mind) of spiraling down hill fast. I know, it is crazy, it is stupid, but that is how I feel. I kick it up a notch when the scale is not in my favor. 151 is my happy medium. 3. I am tired. I have put so much effort into losing weight, exercising and eating right, that sometimes I am too tired to do other things, like spend quality time with my family. I need about 12 more hours in a day to accomplish everything I need to do. My husband sometimes will get upset with me because I fall asleep as soon as he gets home. Part of the reason is that I feel safe and comfortable when he is there, the other part is, I AM DOG TIRED! Between being on my feet all day at work, then coming home, working out for an hour, and spending a little time with my son before he goes to bed, I feel I have nothing left to give. Trust me, I am working on this. The Mr. has to be happy, and I don't like it to get to the point when he has to say something for me to change. Does this mean I will stop working out, no. Will I make an effort to take more naps before he gets home, certainly! 4. I sing to myself when I run. Because I don't run with music, I have to keep myself going when the journey gets tough. Recently, I have been suffering from right heel pain. I have altered my running technique, which has help, but right around mile 8 (I am training to run a half marathon), I begin to really feel it, to the point that I want to cry. Recently, I was running with my running partner. She is amazing! She listens to music, and she is pretty fast. We usually run strong together until I get to that point when I begin to feel the pain, and I usually fall behind. On this run, I had fallen about a quarter mile behind her. I was getting frustrated, and I almost started to cry. But instead of crying, I cried out to God to help me finish. I started singing any gospel song I could think of(I am a pretty good singer, but when I am hurting and in pain, not so much, lol). I also kept my gaze to the sky. I almost forgot about the pain, and just focused on finishing. I did finish, 11 miles in just over 2 hours. My goal is to finish my half marathon (13.1 miles) in 2.5 hours on December 8th. I think me and God got this! I often here that confession is good for the soul. If you've never tried it, you should. Just today, at the end of our church service, a group of people came on stage one by one and held up banners of confession. One lady had a banner that said, "I struggled with food". On the back of the banner, it said something like, "Now I have the love of the Lord, and lost 140 lbs". Of course, I was crying my eyes out! I think every person in that church could have stood on that stage with a banner with a deep confession. Confessions not only free your spirit of burden, but they provide an opportunity to help others who may be going through the similar experiences. Don't ever underestimate the power of your confessions/testimonies. What may seem trivial to you can be a relief for someone to know that others are going through the same situation.