RECORD SCRATCHES! BIRDS FALL OUT OF THE SKY! THE ROCK RAISES AN EYEBROW! SAY WHAT?!!!
2013 Has been probably the most pivotal year of all my 32 years on Earth to say the least. Of course there were some things I would rather not have happened, but I know that everything happens for a reason that only God initially knows the outcome to, and the best and only thing to do is accept the things you cannot change and pray your way through these changes.
Let's talk about this kid for a minute. I was recently talking to a friend who asked me if I was going to do this big announcement on Facebook about my pregnancy, like many exuberant mothers do. At first, I was very afraid to do this. As I said, I just recently lost a baby, and I also witnessed other women that I work with lose their babies close to term and it was heartbreaking to watch them go through this kind of pain. This pregnancy was reminiscent of my first, having conceived my son after the lost of my beloved Grandfather. The Circle of Life is real, ya'll! The fact that I got pregnant so soon after the miscarriage continues to be a mystery to me. When I went to the doctor, I thought I was only 8 weeks along. Whoa to my surprise, I was actually 11 weeks! I nearly had a full grown kid in there and didn't even know it! So today, as I was lying in bed just thinking and crying and praying as I tend to do with my emotional self these days, I decided that this is my joy to share! I don't know what the outcome will be, but right now there is an actual life growing inside me. How do I know? Well, at the time I am writing this I am currently approaching 15 weeks of pregnancy. I can actual feel my baby! I know some of you might think I'm crazy, that it's too early. However, I've been through this experience before. I can distinctly remember the difference between gas and flutters, and these miracle moments started for me at 13 weeks. They get stronger and more frequent with each day. The movements were especially strong when I recently went to the Charlie Wilson concert, lol. I don't know if my baby was jammin' in there or scared to death, but something was definitely stirring in my womb.
I'll tell you one thing, this pregnancy is definitely different. Thankfully, I haven't had any bad episodes of morning sickness but I am sooooo tired these days and not extremely motivated. This scares me, as I have already gained ten pounds and my eating habits have been less than healthy. I allowed myself Christmas week to take a hiatus from all things healthy. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but instead of falling into the severe guilt trip over eating stuff I know I shouldn't be eating, I decided to spare myself some of the grief and deal with the consequences later. I've been in a little funk over the holidays, and I won't deny that I've used a few holiday treats to de-stress. However, the damage is not nearly as severe as it could have been. I could be that mom who makes excuses for eating everything in sight, and say I'm eating for two, but the fact is I have been eating to satisfy my own carnal desires. I'm working my way through this time because I have surrounded myself with too many positive people to get into a deep funk. My husband has been very patient with me even though I've flipped on him several times (it can only get better the next 6 months or so, right?)My son has been extremely sweet and is so excited to be a big brother (he's told his whole class, smh) My parents and friends have been very supportive, and they push me to rest, even though I feel I should be up doing something. Yet when the body says, "Sit yo' arse down!" sometimes that is what you have to do. I know that this period of low energy only lasts a short while during pregnancy (at least until the very end) so I'm taking it easy, or slowing it down at least. For those of you who do follow my blog, you now can look forward to posts about how I am going to try to maintain a healthy, pregnant lifestyle over the next few months.
I truly hope that this blog entry helps someone who feels like they've been through hell and back. I have my moments of sadness, of darkness, of gloom. You have to allow yourself these moments, but I really try not to wallow in self pity. I allow these moments to pass, and keep it moving the best I can because I do have some really good things in life to look forward to. Moving on is very scary, though. I recently told my husband that 2014 scares me. I feel like I've lost so much in 2013, and moving on to the new year means facing a new year without my Daddy. The reality has just really set in. I've had to accept the fact that he is no longer on this side. I've equally accepted that the miscarriage had to happen for whatever reason. I recently read somewhere that when you have a miscarriage, and you have a healthy pregnancy afterwards, that baby is called a "rainbow" baby. How appropriate...God reveals rainbows after the rain, a covenant of peace between the world and the Creator. I'm looking forward to new life blooming after the storm. So somebody pass me the sparkling grape juice...It's time to ring in 2014!
Blessings to you all...love Sanpri and "Peanut" Porter (due June 25, 2014)
