Chapter 36: Help Me Maintain

36...I am 36. I am over the hump and now closer to 40 than 30. Though that may sound frightening to some people, I am truly embracing this part of my life journey. I am normally pretty low keyed about most things in my life. I don't require much to make me happy, at least in my opinion. Yet, when my birthday comes around, I am a bit obnoxious. I try to really celebrate me, which usually is a week long celebration of doing things that make me happy. I love my birthday. As I get older it becomes less about partying and more about reflecting and appreciating. I made it to 36. A lot of people don't. I am healthy. I have people in my circle who love me as much as I love them. I am employed, fairly gainfully. In the past few months, I lost site of these things. I let stress overcome me, and it took a toll on me physically and mentally. My friend Dee, who relocated to Orlando about 3 yrs ago, asked me what I was going to do for my birthday, and she considered coming up to Charlotte to help me celebrate. I thought about it, then I got the bright idea to go to her. I have several ties to Orlando. I went to Physical Therapy School there. It is home to the happiest place on Earth! It had been 12 years since I graduated. I had only been back once since that time, and that was the same year I graduated. I talked with my husband and told him how much I wanted to go, and found a cheap flight with Allegiant Airlines (which was pretty good, I must say), and started to plan my short exit from reality for a few days. I needed to get in a space by myself. I had lost site of some things, and sometimes it takes removing yourself from situations in order to truly evaluate them from an objective, non-emotional perspective.

My birthday celebration started on a Thursday, with me going out with some very awesome women that I run with locally. I don't think I have told them this, but running with them is truly a joy. Even if we don't do it as often as we would like, I appreciate everything they have brought to my life. Running is therapy, especially when you do it with people that fill your cup.




Friday, I went to work early and left early so I could catch my little over an hour long flight to Orlando, well Sanford to be exact, which is only about 30 minutes from Orlando, depending on where you wanna go. I rented a car because I wanted to be free to explore without interrupting anyone else's schedule, and it is rare that I get to drive without little people in the car yelling over toys or who touched who. I typically do not enjoy driving, especially in heavy traffic, but it was truly relaxing. My first stop was to my friend Dee's home. We enjoyed plenty of girl talk. We went to a cool seafood restaurant called Hot and Juicy, where I drowned myself in big, cajun boiled shrimp and sausage. I also got free birthday brownies to die for.

Saturday, after a wild and crazy night( not really), I woke my butt up and went for a 2 mile run/walk around the hood. If you have never had the pleasure of feeling Orlando Heat, let me describe it to you...it is like being in a steam room turned up to 1000 degrees. The humidity had my kinky hair shriveled up tight, and my skin was relentlessly glossy. However, it was a great run and at least made me feel less guilty about sinking my teeth into a scrumptious breakfast at Keke's in Winter Park. This breakfast was enjoyable more so for the company. My best friend Renea, my former roomie Kim, and a dear coworker who relocated to Florida last year, Cheryl, drove up to see me. I make it a point to only surround myself with good people. I have always been a good judge of character, and each of these ladies (Dee included) are jewels. I had not seen Kim since I graduated, and her beautiful daughter Adrienne greeted me with a warm hug, even though she had never met me. It was a great fellowship and my heart was beaming.

Later that Saturday, I checked into what I call a fancy hotel...the Renaissance Orlando at SeaWorld. I only budgeted one night at this hotel, which when you add 22.00/day to park and a 25.00/day resort fee, that can add up. It was worth it though! Even though there were loads of families there, kids running crazy, I was oblivious to their presence. I just soaked up the atmosphere. It is not the nicest hotel I have been in, but it is beautiful. I had a nice cozy king suite, big enough for two. My first few minutes alone in the room was spent taking a million selfies. Then I danced around shamelessly naked to my favorite birthday song by India Arie, "Private Party" before dressing to go sit by the pool. And sit is what I did. Sitting is something I rarely do given the nature of my job as a PT, and it felt sooooo good. My magazine and drink in hand, just chillin'.

Saturday night was spent at Disney Springs. Now, this place is cool if you are ballin' on a budget, without kids. I did not want to go to any theme parks without first going with my sons. But I also wanted to experience the magic and fun that is Disney. It was very crowded, but if you go you will see why. It is loaded with a million shops and themed restaurants to fit everyone's taste and budget. You can see cool displays and hear great live entertainment. I was not feeling that great that night, and as I was walking back towards the entrance and an artist by the name of Evan Taylor Jones caught my attention, with his guitar. So I sat with the crowd and listened to his John Legend inspired voice and great acoustic guitar skills. It soothed my soul and warmed my heart as I saw a few couples dancing away. That night when I returned to my room, I rolled around in that awesome king sized bed fit for a queen, and thanked God for the opportunity to be right in that place, at that time in my life.

The gratitude did not stop Sunday morning. Again I thanked the most high. I got myself ready to go down to the gym and had an awesome workout. This time I dipped my legs in the pool afterwards, read my magazine poolside,and listened to music in the blazing sun. I even got a tan! lol. Just taking it all in. Just thankful. Relaxed. Oh, how I did not want leave! I did manage to get my check out time extended with no additional charge, which gave me some time to just sit in my room and listen to music. One of the songs that came on was by this young gospel artist named Jonathan McReynolds. I like a majority of the music I have heard from him. There is this one song, "Help Me Maintain" that spoke life to me. I sat in my room, trying to figure out how can I take the peace I felt that moment with me everyday. My faith had waxed and waned since my dad died, and I think I am finally reconciling my feelings with God. I realized that it was important that I just take time out each day to be grateful and to reflect on His word...which I have shied away from doing over the last few months. So many things had transpired over the weekend that confirmed my need to draw closer to God in times of anxiety and stress. "Help me Maintain" is now my mantra. If I can't think of anything else to ask God, this will definitely be my plea.

I later took a ride back out to Disney Springs to see what it was like in the daytime, and take better pictures. It was beautiful, but again, the forecast was Hell with a chance of Oven-Roasted. I took a quick boat ride and took in the scene, feeling a little bit of the magic that makes Disney known world wide. I soon headed over to the University of Central Florida. I had not stepped foot on campus since I graduated 12 years ago. Although some of it has changed, a lot remains the same. I managed to find the building I spent nearly ever waking hour of my life in for almost two and a half years. If I wasn't there, I was working one of my part time jobs, or at Barnes And Noble studying into the wee hours. I was not prepared for how emotional I would get when I saw my picture on the Graduate Wall of Fame. To see the classes that had graduated before us, and the many that have graduated after us was amazing! The program has grown so much and it makes me proud to be a Knight (although I am still a GSU Eagle for life!) I met so many awesome people in the program. We were family. Our class was so diverse, and I am happy that I can keep connected with many of them through social media.

Lastly, I headed to my best friend Renea's home for the night. She always gets me rollin'. If she was a Golden Girl, she would be Sophia. Always a snappy comeback. Seeing my Godsons made me smile. They are all legs and one is at least an inch taller than me at 12 years old! Heading back home, I just reflected and continued to thank God; thankful to have a beautiful family that was happy to see me and missed me while I was gone. I recently read a quote, "Conserve your energy for your own self interests. That's not selfish, that's essential". I met people, men and women, who were surprised that my husband "let" me go on a trip on my own. Many things came to my mind when I heard that. I am not a feminist, but I am definitely not one who feels the need to ask my husband for permission to take a trip by myself. He takes trips. I take trips. We take trips. The status of my marriage does not hinge on whether we vacation together. When I returned, I was greeted by smiling faces and to thank my hubby for holding down the house, I treated him and my youngest son to breakfast. Since taking this trip, I feel at least for now I am in a better place as a wife, mother, employee, and person. When I start to lose sight of that, I will whisper to the Heavens, "Lord, Help me maintain". You discover so much about yourself when you spend time with yourself. I think every woman should travel solo at least once a year, if not just to recharge, but to fully discover the person you are. It truly is a beautiful thing.

Also, don't forget to take advantage of all the birthday freebies during your birthday month...so far I have had a free burrito, free ice cream, free cookie, free sub, and free wings. Don't worry, I am not going to eat all of this by myself...I still have goals! lol

The Shame Game

I haven't done a blog entry in a few weeks. It wasn't because I was super busy...I stay busy. I am a busy person. I don't know how not to be busy. So, no,I can't use that excuse. Honestly, I was sort of avoiding doing the blog. Mostly because I didn't want to admit my failures. However, I realized that it is a disservice to myself to not be truthful with myself. If I can't look at myself without a filter, how can I be of help to someone else with the same struggle? I have been participating in a book study based on Stasi Eldredge's book "Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You". To be honest, I am not crazy about the book so far. She is being very candid about her life, but her style of writing leaves much to be desired. However, I can relate to her struggles with weight. There is one quote in the book that really resonated with me, "First, shame is not an agent of change". I actually said this out loud a few times until I ingrained it in my soul. How can I continue to grow and get past my weight struggles if I continue to fall into a cycle of shame and self pity when I don't always eat as I should, or work out as hard as I should? I won't win if I keep purposely trying to defeat myself. I am not that person. I am an overcomer in life. I always have been, and always will be. My slip ups don't define who I am as a person. They just show that I am human.

Up until this week, my weight has been stagnant. And, well, that sucks. It's no one's fault but my own. I got too comfortable and allowed myself too much leeway. I have been training pretty hard for my upcoming half marathon, which means I am always hungry. Yet, I didn't always fuel myself properly, which is why my weight did not move. I felt there was no point in documenting my journey if I was going down the wrong road. Sometime last week I woke up and made the decision that win or lose, lose or gain, I am going to love myself how I am at this moment. If I don't start really embracing where I am now, I won't be able to sustain when I get to where I want to be. My husband and I recently had a conversation about body image and women. He said women put so much pressure to be something that we never asked you all to be. He likes me the size I am now, and when I recently wore a dress I hadn't worn in 3 yrs(when I was 37 lbs lighter) he said I looked better now in the dress, than I did back then. While I appreciate his love for all my thickness, I know I have to get to MY happy. This happiness starts from the inside and manifests itself out. There are so many things that play into my happiness, and it's not just my satisfaction with my body. When I embrace poor habits, it's a reflection of how I feel about a lot of things that aren't necessarily going my way in life. Most days I really like myself, who I am and what I look like. It's not enough to like myself. I am going to have this body for the rest of my life. I need to learn to love it, in any condition, but love it enough to always desire to take care of it the best I can.

Me, 37lbs or so ago...150 lbs

Me,a couple weeks ago at 187. A little thicker, but still cute, lol. And yes, that is the same dress!


So this week, I have been successful. As a way to prepare for my up coming race, I decided to re-dedicate myself to healthier eating. This is hard. It's very hard. Finding balance is such a challenge. I have asked for guidance from my higher power and strength, because I can't do this on my strength alone. Just by kicking up my protein, limiting sugars, drinking loads of water, and starting the day with, "I love the you that you are TODAY", I have noticed changes externally and internally. The one thing I have learned in the 5 years that I have actively been on this healthy journey, is that the roads may change, but the destination is always the same. I can't let shame keep me from reaching my destiny. Shame is counterproductive. Most days I just really have to ask myself, do I want instant gratification or long term results? I may not make the right decisions all the time. As a matter of fact, I am already planning my cheat day during my trip to New York. But I am running 13.1 miles, and I am going to enjoy my meals the hours after the race, but get back on track as soon as it is over. I have several accountability groups to convict me of my decisions, and I'm even leading a fitness/bible study challenge in one of those groups for the month of October. For now, my main goal is to love the me I am now, and keep my eyes looking toward the me I want to be. There will be no shame in my game. Embracing the fluidity of "me", and knowing that I am not stagnant or inflexible is a pretty reassuring thing.

Image is Everything!

So, I was recently looking at myself, as I do many days. I have been really trying to challenge myself to pick out the positives about my body instead of falling into the self loathing trap that leaves me wanting to cry some days when I don't feel I look my best. This challenge came about at the beginning of the summer as I was in search for a bathing suit. Until really recently, I was never much of a water person. I am very much a mountain lover. I have grown to appreciate the peace that looking out at an infinite body of water brings me. I discovered this last year on a birthday trip for a friend in Miami. Twice I got to venture out on the beach, run barefoot through the cool sand, look out at ships coming in, and storms brewing. A calmness came over me. I fantasized about doing a photo shoot on the beach in my sexy two piece, with a pretty flower in my hair, to celebrate the woman I was becoming. Yes, I know it sounds kinda corny, but I let my mind drift in this direction from time to time. I decided this summer would be my breakout summer. Perfect body or not, I was getting my two piece! After some discussion with my husband, because I value his opinion, I decided I was going to do it.

I thought the search would be easy, but it was anything but. I'm not really a unique body type...well sort of. Without going into much detail I have been very blessed in some areas and it's been a challenge finding a flattering top that was sexy, but modest, and offered support. I went to so many department stores in search of the perfect suit. One girl working in Lane Bryant actually kinda laughed at me when I came in. While I am considered plus size, I am short. I have a small band size with a full chest. And the smallest band size they had was 40, which just wouldn't do. I went to Dillard"s and tried on what felt like 100 tops just to be disappointed every single time. It was soooooo discouraging. While I love my shape, clothing doesn't always seem to love it. Trying on any type of clothing most times leaves me feeling a bit defeated because certain things that look great on the rack, look a hot mess on me. I was about to just settle into the reality that I would always have to wear an ill fitting suit or a t-shirt and shorts to the pool or beach. No matter how much weight I lose, I would still have this bust problem (because I never really seem to lose much in that area). But then....it happened. A running buddy of mine gave me a gift card to TJ Maxx for my birthday. Now, I never really shop at TJ Maxx, and I don't know why. It just never occurred to me to ever go there. So I went in one day, it looked like a decent store. I spotted a new waist belt for my phone, picked that up. Then, I spotted a few cute little suits. Just knowing that the outcome would be the same, I reluctantly went into the dressing room and tried them on. Low and behold, one of the tops actually looked okay! It wasn't a perfect fit, but when I put on the bottoms and made a few adjustments, I actually felt pretty cute! I have been blessed with the notorious mommy belly some of us are prone to have after birth, a little sagging pooch that just hangs around no matter how many abdominal exercises I do. However, I still felt confident in the suit, and I decided I would wear it to swimming lessons. I like how my new top crosses in the back. I like how my arms look (I am working on getting my "Angela Bassett's" back, as my husband calls them) , and the girls aren't flopping around all over the place! Finally, it was a win for me in the swimsuit department!


Now let me tell you, I have seen people (men and women) letting it all hang out without any shame, so surely, I would be ooooookaaayyyyy! I always wondered where that confidence came from. Now that I am older, I am thinking the "I don't give a damn" attitude comes with age, lol. While I don't think I will have time before the Summer is out to prance around the beach with a flower in my hair, at least I can hang out at the indoor pool, and feel pretty confident not only about my body but my newly developed swimming abilities. It's just so fitting how the 2016 Olympics in Rio are going on right now, and people are talking about the young African American ladies dominating in gymnastics and swimming. People have been raving about them, but people have been attacking their images too. I can only imagine being on the world stage, how difficult this criticism must be for them and yet they push on, defying the odds. No one is talking about my body or my hair on social media. In fact, no one probably even gives my body a second thought. However, it's so hard not to internalize societal stereotypical standards and feel like you have to fit in a certain mold to be able to do this, or wear that. Putting on that bathing suit helped me to feel more positive about myself and the hard work I put into making this body work for me. So, I look back at myself in the mirror, and my reflection says, "Oh, hell yes!", and then I walk away... in full beast mode!

Weight loss: I have lost 3 lbs since the last journal entry! Woo hoo!

New Adventures at 35

Recently, I celebrated my 35th birthday. It was easily ranked in my top 3 of Greatest Birthdays, along with my 16th (which was a surprise Sweet Sixteen) and 30th (a trip to Italy with friends). I decided this would be the year of new adventures and not limiting myself from exposure to different things due to fear. I have always led a pretty straight and narrow life. Never got suspended, made pretty good grades, involved in my school and community, etc. etc. I lived this way all of my life but realized around the time I turned 30 that I had never really lived. I didn't even put permanent color in my hair until I was 30! I had always been an old person in a sense, trapped in a young person's body. I accelerated through undergraduate school faster than most because I was so busy with my head in the books rather than peaking to see what everyone else was doing in the clouds. It wasn't until I started running, right before I turned 30, that I realized there really was so much more to life, than just living right. Life is also about living well, and living well is defined differently for different people.

Running, if you allow it to, can really open doors to new experiences and new people. It is not by any means a cheap sport. If you are serious about running, chances are you've been in a race or two, and race entry fees alone are comparable to a household utility bill. However, running has afforded me the ability to meet driven people with various fitness interest and life aspirations. Had I not become a runner, I might not have had the opportunities to travel like I have, though I have so much more traveling to do. I might not have developed my new interest for swimming as a way to help me with my endurance, as I am currently taking swimming lessons. Most importantly, I might not have discovered the outer AND inner strength I possess, a courage and perseverance that has surprised me many times over past 5 years that I have been a runner. Running has definitely taught me you have to push through certain things in life, and see them through to the finish. The work is hard but the reward is always sweet. I decided to zip line as a way to celebrate my new found fearlessness that running has unleashed. I found that once you take the first leap on the zip line, the other leaps weren't so bad. You'd never know that though if you didn't try.

Given the current events of the world right now, you realize that life is too short and too precious to sit around thinking about what you wanna do. You just gotta get up and do it, and if it seems impossible you find a way to make it possible. Nothing really is out of our reach. But you can't sit on your butt and hope the stars will fall in your lap, you gotta reach for them. So, I have got a few things in line for this next year as I am trying to get back to my happy weight of 150 lbs (currently I am 188). Here's a list of a few things I am doing:

1. Revamping my healthy eating plan, including adding 5 smaller meals throughout the day that are protein packed. It's extremely hard to do this considering my job is one in which I barely get time to eat lunch, never mind fitting in a snack during the day. However, it can be done.

2. Adding tea to the start of my day to just kick start my metabolism.

3. I definitely want to do more of these dreadfully expensive destination races, with my eyes already set on Rock N Roll Brooklyn Half this October. I would also love to do a couple in the mid west and west coast.I usually try to pick places that are close to family or friends to spare some expense.

4. I want to get back into skating. I recently went skating after having not been on skates in 5 years, and though I really suck at it, I wasn't the suckiest person out there. Skating is a great work out, and I actually taught myself in college how to roller blade. I also think this is a great activity for me and my oldest son to do, because he's always begging me to take him skating.

5. I want to become a great swimmer and I am on my way to at least becoming good enough that the lifeguards won't have to be on standby to do CPR on me. My technique is not the best, but I am moving from one end of the pool to the other and right now that is all I care about.

6. Hike more. I've gotten into hiking at a local mountain. I absolutely love it and it is a completely different workout than running. I plan to incorporate these hikes at least once a month in my fitness plan.

I want to live my life continuing to be the best person I can be, and enjoy life along the way! I don't have to be a size 2 to do that, but I do want to be in my best health so that I enjoy life to the fullest. It's the saddest thing to see young people who are too unhealthy to enjoy life with their peers because they made poor life choices, and didn't know they were worth more. I am getting older but Lord knows I am ready to finally live. I've also learned at 35 you don't have to wait around for others to get to where you want to be. Sure, I love bringing people along my journey full of adventures. However, everything ain't for everybody. I've learned to celebrate with or without an audience, and it helps that naturally I am an introvert. So I am cool doing things by myself, although it's nice to have company every now and then.

Well, now that I've got my goals in writing. It is time to put them into action. Stay tuned...

The Return

I consider myself a fairly spiritual person. I sometimes daydream about my ideal Heaven. Ideally, I would love to dwell eternally in a place where I could see every person I ever loved and lost. I would also love to live in a land filled with my unlimited food favorites and never have to worry about gaining a pound. It sounds crazy, I know, but what else could be more perfect? On Earth, I spend day in and day out consumed with what I eat, how much I eat, and why I eat what I eat. It's frustrating, and at times discouraging because there are days I know I could do better and I don't. The weird thing is, I'm actually bored with food right now. Nothing is really appetizing to me. I eat food that tastes good, but it's not always what I really want.

Since I gave birth to my second son two years ago, this weight loss journey has been harder this time around. I will do really well with my eating one day, then suck at it the next day. It's been a while since my last journal entry, but the last two years have been challenging with our newest addition as he faced many health obstacles. I, too, had some health issues and underwent hernia repair surgery. I also had to get an extensive evaluation of my heart to make sure it was working correctly. Thankfully, today, both my son and I are doing well. I continued to work out through it all, because working out is why I don't throat punch people on a daily basis (ha, ha, just kidding but not really). I even managed to run 2 half marathons within these last two years. Though I was finally able to get back under 200 lbs, I am still far from where I need to be, and I know that has to do with my eating habits.

I am notorious for starting some things and not finishing them. It's weird but there are things I pour myself into, like learning how to swim. Yet, when it comes to food, I just can't seem to get meal planning down consistently. I really don't like to cook. I am too tired most days to cook, and with me being the healthier eater in the house, I'm usually preparing more than one type of meal to satisfy everyone. I know these are terrible excuses, but it's what I am dealing with now. I have toyed with trying the shakeologies, the smoothie diets, etc. etc. No offense to anyone who does these kinds of diets, but I know I couldn't live the rest of my life without real food. I could possibly survive being a vegetarian, but I love seafood and chicken too much to leave them totally behind. I have gone without meat for some time before, and though its not hard for me to do, I don't want to do it full time. The idea of being vegan is great, but again, it's really not for me. I admire people who are devoted to the vegan lifestyle, however. I freakin' love food, and I know there is a way that I can get back to my happy weight and eat some of what I like, some of the time. I recently read a book discussing boundaries with food. Somewhere along the way I overstepped my boundaries. How do I get back to where I was? Why haven't I been able to just eat well and eat right all the time like I used to?


After I got my most recent fitness assessment reality hit me. I discovered the one thing I hadn't been doing is writing about my journey. Blogging was how I started my last journey, and it was how I kept myself accountable aside from joining accountability fitness groups. I was pretty good about writing down what I ate and tracking my physical activity. I didn't want to write down something that I'd be ashamed I ate. It's always good to go back to where you started sometimes to help you get to where you wanna go. So, I am back; I am back to share, back to inspire, back to make you laugh, maybe sometimes make you cry.Some of you may religiously read my wordy blogs. Some of you may just Facebook "like" my post, just because you like me but not really take the time to read them. It's okay, because I do that sometimes, too. Really, this blog is for me, but if I can make an impact on just one other person other than myself, I think that is a major win. Now that I am the ripe old age 35, I feel I've gained some wisdom. I appreciate life more than ever now. My goal is to live a life without ceilings.I want to be a good example for my children so that they can live the same way. The sky is the limit when it comes to being the best me. It's time to return to what I know works for me. Stay tuned...

Pump It Up! Pump It Out!

It's been a very long time since my last entry. There have been many days that I thought to myself, "Hey, you need to start blogging again", but I allowed the redundancy of my days to wear me down, using work, pregnancy, and family as my excuses not to write. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely tired and anyone would be quick to tell you that I probably over did it on many occasions. However, writing about this journey I've been on helps me to stay accountable for my actions when it comes to eating well and staying physically active. There were times (more often than I care to admit) that I fell short with my eating habits, more so toward the end of my pregnancy. None of the eating offenses were anything to really be ashamed about.Yet, I did feel twinges of guilt when I ate more than my fair share of pizza or ice cream in one sitting, even though those around me tried to convince me it was my God-given right as a pregnant woman to eat whatever the hell I liked. I was still trying to work out, getting in weight sessions, pool time and slowly jogging up until about 37 weeks. I even completed a 5K with my coworkers for a charity run, and they were impressed that at 9 months pregnant I dared to hit the pavement. The following week, I decided it was best to start walking.

last 5k

Baby Shower in June

I worked full time fulfilling my physical therapist duties until June 27, 2014,the day before I had my second prince, Thaddeus. He was three days overdue! I probably would have kept working until he eventually fell out. I had a very good pregnancy and birth experience, for the most part, which I attribute to staying physically active. I was able to have a vaginal birth this time around, which many doctors don't like to attempt after a woman has had a cesarean birth. I did gain much more weight than I wanted to. I can't blame Thaddeus. He only made up about 5lbs and 13 oz of the weight I gained. A lot of the weight was fluid, because I did swell up a lot toward the end of the nearly 10 months of pregnancy. I also had something going on with my liver, brought about by the pregnancy. The liver complication prompted the doctor to get the ball rolling with my labor( which is an adventure I will share with you all at another time). However, I would say about 15% of the weight I gained was due to unhealthy habits. The evidence would become clearer after I had the baby, when all the swelling quickly disappeared and my stomach dwindled down, thankfully due to one of the great benefits of breast feeding. Now, you're probably going to think I'm crazy, but right now I have sort of this love/hate relationship with my post pregnancy body. The pluses: 1. I am much smaller post pregnancy this time around than I was with my first baby. 2. I am quite proud of my milky boobs. Not only are they fuller, but they allow my child to sustain life, and I am amazed that I am capable of lactating. 3. I didn't gain any more stretch marks than I did the first pregnancy. The minuses: 1. My muffin top is back. 2. I gained weight in my arms, and my arms were my pride and joy this time last year. 3. There are only two pairs of pants I can fit right now( thank God for maxi-dresses and support garments)/mP8j6Mon9qI/s320/baby+004.jpg" />

HOLY CRAP!!!

Well, when I first found out I was pregnant again back in December, I had every intention of regularly blogging about my experience with this pregnancy while trying to stay in the best shape as possible. No, really I did, lol.

But, life as always, has gotten in the way. I am beating myself up for not chronicling this pregnancy experience as much as I should have, and trust me it has been quite an experience. Let me say that currently I am about 25 weeks and 3 days. For the most part, physically, I feel pretty good. I have been able to continue with my workout routine, though modified, about 4 days a week. I manage to squeeze in short run/walks in between getting off work and picking my son up from After-school care, and I try to go to the gym to do my free weight routine twice a week. I get very upset when I don't leave work on time because it messes up my whole workout regimen. Although I can take my son to the gym with me, he is now in kindergarten and once I pick him up, I like to go home immediately so we can work on his homework (he doesn't have much, but I create work for him because I want him to be successful), get him fed and in the bed at a decent time. I don't want my work out routine to take away from the precious few hours I have with him in a day. I am still leading my small Sunday run group, though I'm more like leading from the back of the pack these days.I am sooooo slow, which was to be expected. I'm walking more than running, but I discovered I am a pretty good speed walker. However, I had no idea this new little booger would slow me down so much so early on. Things in general, are going rather smooth with this pregnancy. Everyday I thank God for every little squirm or kick. I feel sooo blessed!

Well...let me tell you what I was not prepared for, or more like what I forgot about since my last full term pregnancy, nearly seven years ago. Sorry if this is TMI for some folks!

1. I forgot that I would NEVER find a comfortable position to sleep in, hence why I basically fall into a coma the moment I put my son down for bed. I am used to operating on 4-6 hours of sleep, but my sleep is very sporadic and it drives me CRAAZY!!! Driving 30 minutes to work is a nightmare, because I am so groggy. I toss and turn every night, which has been sooo much fun for my husband, too!

2. I don't feel like I have that motherly glow at all this time! I just feel greasy! I'm a few years older this time and my skin has drastically changed. My skin was never flawless, but at the beginning of this pregnancy, I broke out horribly! My regular skin routine was not working anymore. Finally, I think I have found a solution to controlling my breakouts (shouts out to the people that make Black Soap and Astringent). I'm not having nearly as many pimples since I started using the new products.

3. Glorious hair this time...eh, not so much! At the beginning, my hair was so friggin dry, no matter how much I conditioned it. With David, my hair was so healthy, shiny and thick from the beginning, it didn't even shed after I had him. Finally, it is starting to grow how I want it to. I am considering trying hair extensions towards the end, so I can have fabulous post-partum pics. This time I will have a better photographer (Sorry mom, but the pictures of me breastfeeding after birth were not very flattering!)

4. ALL I DO IS PEE! When you're pregnant, you just don't walk to the bathroom anymore, you dart in your fastest waddle. The bathrooms at work are few and far between, and I will claw your eyes out it you dare beat me to the toilet and you saw me struggling down the hall. It's especially fun when you're outside in the middle of a run, and oops, there is no bathroom available. My darling son's favorite hang out is right on my bladder. Twice, I have gotten into very compromising situations outdoors. Let's just say I'm so glad North Carolina has a lot of trees!

5. I'm not just all bump...I'm a whole lot of boobs and hips now too! I was already overweight when I had my last son. This time I started off much smaller, but it seems like I grew out of my regular clothes and undergarments much faster. This is frustrating for a naturally curvy girl. I can't just walk into a store and pick something out and leave. Some things are too wide in the hips but not enough thigh room, or vice versa. And just because they put that ginormous expandable band around maternity pants does not make them "One Size Fits All". Trying on maternity clothes turns into an all day affair because for one, I get short of breath taking off and putting on clothes, and two, I ALWAYS HAVE TO PEE!

6. I had no idea how quickly I would lose the muscle I gained. With David, I had no muscle at all, so I didn't care. But I had worked so hard to get toned prior to getting pregnant again. Even though I am still doing light weights, I have lost some definition. I keep telling myself, I WILL GET MY ANGELA BASSETT ARMS BACK, and my booty too, for that matter!

7. SMELLS! Particularly my husband's. Last pregnancy, I hated his smell, this time I can't get enough of it, go figure! Oh, and when you work in a hospital, smells are your enemy! Enough said...

8. EMOTIONS...I was already an emotional person anyway, now I feel extremely emotional, more so than the last pregnancy. I do have to remember, A LOT has happened to me over the last 2-3 years that would send even a non-pregnant person into an emotional breakdown. I can't tell you enough, how much I miss my dad or still wonder about the baby I lost. There are times tears will fall, and I don't know why. But, I allow myself one good cry a day, and I keep on pushing! I am also a bit more sarcastic and feisty, so I have to keep my attitude in check before I get myself in trouble!

9. My doctor is getting on my nerves! LOL...nooo, I really love him, but if he tells me I am gaining too much weight one more time...I don't know what else to do. I do give in to the occasional craving, but for the most part I still eat pretty well and I am still active. I just gain weight fast, DARN IT! Curse that stupid scale! I am just grateful that I am still under 200 lbs this time around. Last time I went up to 250...never again!

10. Did I mention, I love being pregnant? There are so many crazy things that are happening inside of my body right now. I'm sleepy, cranky, fat, greasy, and slow, but I'm really loving it all. This will most likely be my last pregnancy. I'm not one of those crazy people that will try and try until I have a little girl. I've accepted my fate, that I am going to be the mother of two boys, and I actually kinda like that I'm going to be Queen B of the household. My husband thinks I'm spoiled anyway, and I couldn't handle another female taking all my attention away! lol

BUT HOLY CRAP!!! What type of car seat should I get? You mean, I can't just strap him down in the back with duck tape? Diapers? I forgot how to change the kid! You mean I have to actually feed it, it can't feed itself? Up every two hours? I ain't ready for that! Baby Shower vs Baby Sprinkle? What the what? Tune in guys, the next few months are going to be very interesting...