Up until this week, my weight has been stagnant. And, well, that sucks. It's no one's fault but my own. I got too comfortable and allowed myself too much leeway. I have been training pretty hard for my upcoming half marathon, which means I am always hungry. Yet, I didn't always fuel myself properly, which is why my weight did not move. I felt there was no point in documenting my journey if I was going down the wrong road. Sometime last week I woke up and made the decision that win or lose, lose or gain, I am going to love myself how I am at this moment. If I don't start really embracing where I am now, I won't be able to sustain when I get to where I want to be. My husband and I recently had a conversation about body image and women. He said women put so much pressure to be something that we never asked you all to be. He likes me the size I am now, and when I recently wore a dress I hadn't worn in 3 yrs(when I was 37 lbs lighter) he said I looked better now in the dress, than I did back then. While I appreciate his love for all my thickness, I know I have to get to MY happy. This happiness starts from the inside and manifests itself out. There are so many things that play into my happiness, and it's not just my satisfaction with my body. When I embrace poor habits, it's a reflection of how I feel about a lot of things that aren't necessarily going my way in life. Most days I really like myself, who I am and what I look like. It's not enough to like myself. I am going to have this body for the rest of my life. I need to learn to love it, in any condition, but love it enough to always desire to take care of it the best I can.
Me, 37lbs or so ago...150 lbs
Me,a couple weeks ago at 187. A little thicker, but still cute, lol. And yes, that is the same dress!
So this week, I have been successful. As a way to prepare for my up coming race, I decided to re-dedicate myself to healthier eating. This is hard. It's very hard. Finding balance is such a challenge. I have asked for guidance from my higher power and strength, because I can't do this on my strength alone. Just by kicking up my protein, limiting sugars, drinking loads of water, and starting the day with, "I love the you that you are TODAY", I have noticed changes externally and internally. The one thing I have learned in the 5 years that I have actively been on this healthy journey, is that the roads may change, but the destination is always the same. I can't let shame keep me from reaching my destiny. Shame is counterproductive. Most days I just really have to ask myself, do I want instant gratification or long term results? I may not make the right decisions all the time. As a matter of fact, I am already planning my cheat day during my trip to New York. But I am running 13.1 miles, and I am going to enjoy my meals the hours after the race, but get back on track as soon as it is over. I have several accountability groups to convict me of my decisions, and I'm even leading a fitness/bible study challenge in one of those groups for the month of October. For now, my main goal is to love the me I am now, and keep my eyes looking toward the me I want to be. There will be no shame in my game. Embracing the fluidity of "me", and knowing that I am not stagnant or inflexible is a pretty reassuring thing.
