New Life

This was my 2013 in a nutshell: Celebrated two unions under God, sent my son off to Kindergarten, laid my dad to rest, had a miscarriage the same week I buried my dad, found out I was pregnant again!

RECORD SCRATCHES! BIRDS FALL OUT OF THE SKY! THE ROCK RAISES AN EYEBROW! SAY WHAT?!!!

2013 Has been probably the most pivotal year of all my 32 years on Earth to say the least. Of course there were some things I would rather not have happened, but I know that everything happens for a reason that only God initially knows the outcome to, and the best and only thing to do is accept the things you cannot change and pray your way through these changes.

Let's talk about this kid for a minute. I was recently talking to a friend who asked me if I was going to do this big announcement on Facebook about my pregnancy, like many exuberant mothers do. At first, I was very afraid to do this. As I said, I just recently lost a baby, and I also witnessed other women that I work with lose their babies close to term and it was heartbreaking to watch them go through this kind of pain. This pregnancy was reminiscent of my first, having conceived my son after the lost of my beloved Grandfather. The Circle of Life is real, ya'll! The fact that I got pregnant so soon after the miscarriage continues to be a mystery to me. When I went to the doctor, I thought I was only 8 weeks along. Whoa to my surprise, I was actually 11 weeks! I nearly had a full grown kid in there and didn't even know it! So today, as I was lying in bed just thinking and crying and praying as I tend to do with my emotional self these days, I decided that this is my joy to share! I don't know what the outcome will be, but right now there is an actual life growing inside me. How do I know? Well, at the time I am writing this I am currently approaching 15 weeks of pregnancy. I can actual feel my baby! I know some of you might think I'm crazy, that it's too early. However, I've been through this experience before. I can distinctly remember the difference between gas and flutters, and these miracle moments started for me at 13 weeks. They get stronger and more frequent with each day. The movements were especially strong when I recently went to the Charlie Wilson concert, lol. I don't know if my baby was jammin' in there or scared to death, but something was definitely stirring in my womb.

I'll tell you one thing, this pregnancy is definitely different. Thankfully, I haven't had any bad episodes of morning sickness but I am sooooo tired these days and not extremely motivated. This scares me, as I have already gained ten pounds and my eating habits have been less than healthy. I allowed myself Christmas week to take a hiatus from all things healthy. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but instead of falling into the severe guilt trip over eating stuff I know I shouldn't be eating, I decided to spare myself some of the grief and deal with the consequences later. I've been in a little funk over the holidays, and I won't deny that I've used a few holiday treats to de-stress. However, the damage is not nearly as severe as it could have been. I could be that mom who makes excuses for eating everything in sight, and say I'm eating for two, but the fact is I have been eating to satisfy my own carnal desires. I'm working my way through this time because I have surrounded myself with too many positive people to get into a deep funk. My husband has been very patient with me even though I've flipped on him several times (it can only get better the next 6 months or so, right?)My son has been extremely sweet and is so excited to be a big brother (he's told his whole class, smh) My parents and friends have been very supportive, and they push me to rest, even though I feel I should be up doing something. Yet when the body says, "Sit yo' arse down!" sometimes that is what you have to do. I know that this period of low energy only lasts a short while during pregnancy (at least until the very end) so I'm taking it easy, or slowing it down at least. For those of you who do follow my blog, you now can look forward to posts about how I am going to try to maintain a healthy, pregnant lifestyle over the next few months.

I truly hope that this blog entry helps someone who feels like they've been through hell and back. I have my moments of sadness, of darkness, of gloom. You have to allow yourself these moments, but I really try not to wallow in self pity. I allow these moments to pass, and keep it moving the best I can because I do have some really good things in life to look forward to. Moving on is very scary, though. I recently told my husband that 2014 scares me. I feel like I've lost so much in 2013, and moving on to the new year means facing a new year without my Daddy. The reality has just really set in. I've had to accept the fact that he is no longer on this side. I've equally accepted that the miscarriage had to happen for whatever reason. I recently read somewhere that when you have a miscarriage, and you have a healthy pregnancy afterwards, that baby is called a "rainbow" baby. How appropriate...God reveals rainbows after the rain, a covenant of peace between the world and the Creator. I'm looking forward to new life blooming after the storm. So somebody pass me the sparkling grape juice...It's time to ring in 2014!

Blessings to you all...love Sanpri and "Peanut" Porter (due June 25, 2014)

Breaking(or Loosening) Every Chain

It has been two months since I lost my daddy and had a miscarriage. Oddly enough, I've come to terms with the miscarriage. Because of another health issue I have(which is not life threatening, and totally fixable), it was best that nature took its course then before something worse happened further along in the pregnancy. Every morning, I do come to a new realization that my daddy is no longer on this Earth. It is a weird feeling because it is like I know he's gone, but every day that goes by that I don't receive a call or text from him, it's like a fresh reminder. It pains me deeply. That pain is very strong Sunday mornings. I usually start my Sunday's off leading my group run of Black Girls Run! ladies, come home, eat breakfast and clean a little bit. Then, I get myself and my son ready for church. My mind begins to float off, and I look at my phone. Prior to Sept 4, I would look forward to hearing from my dad via text or phone call, and he would tell me about how he was getting ready to go to church, too. I can't tell you how many times I still text his phone, looking at his old texts, and waiting for him to text me back. At church, I cry. I long for the message of the day to bring me peace, to help me to refocus on the life that I'm supposed to lead, and not the death of my dad. I feel like when I don't think about him, I will forget him and when I do think about him, I will remember him all to well. It is a perpetual cycle that I'm constantly talking and praying myself through. The chain has been hard to break.

As far as my fitness goals, well I'm on a mission to lose 10 lbs I gained through eating my way through grief and the miscarriage. I'm very grateful to my Sunday running group. I look forward to being around the positive energy these ladies bring around me every week. It helps me to have more reason to wake up on Sundays, the hardest day of the week for me. On October 28th, I began a 30 day challenge to eliminate most dairy, sweets, and caffeine in my life, and committed myself to working out consistently 5 days a week. I'm not working out as intense, because, to be honest, I just don't feel up to killing myself to stay in shape. I just want to feel good. I am training for my 3rd half marathon in December, but my goal is just to finish, and not to set a personal record. I feel kinda like an underachiever, but I'm just tired,emotionally and physically. I need to reboot but I haven't quite figured out how to. No matter how many runs I do, no matter how many pedicures I get, or how many times I go to church, the pain is still there. Yet, I keep pushing. I keep showing up and going through the motions until the wall falls down and the chains are broken. Sometimes, that is all we can do.

"Break Every Chain" by Tasha Cobb was one of my dad's favorite gospel songs. A lovely young lady led the song with the choir singing powerfully behind her at my dad's funeral. The lyrics go, "There is power in the name of Jesus...There is power in the name of Jesus...There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain." I'm not sure what this song meant to my dad personally, but for me it has meant that I have to press forward and cry out. At the moment I do feel bonded by grief, but the hold it has on me gets a little bit lighter when I seek God's presence. I know that some of my readers may not be very religious, or don't consider themselves spiritual. However trust that when you believe in someone higher than you, it gives you the power to move forward. I don't worry about what's going on in the world around me. Of course, I try to stay aware, but I can't worry about what I cannot change. I am working hard to not get stuck in a perpetual cycle of depression, because I am still living. I've got a calling and a purpose that is bigger than my grief. I have to remember that everything I've gone through is still fresh, and that my feelings are appropriate. The strength of my dad (and my mom, who is still here on Earth with me) runs through me. I will get through this period in my life.

The chains aren't broken, but they've loosened up!

Losing and Finding Myself...Again

You might have looked at the title, and said, "Wait a minute, did she start gaining weight again?" Well, yes and no. This month I would have celebrated one year of maintaining my goal weight. This month, I was planning on attending the 2nd Annual Black Girls Run! Race and Conference Weekend here in Charlotte, and I had been writing weekly blogs getting people excited about the organization's weekend events. This month, I was supposed to go to a wedding Labor Day Weekend...but this month, I did not do any of these things. This month I experienced great sadness and loss. This month, I lost my Daddy and my baby.

I am writing this because this is all I know to do right now, and hopefully my story will help someone whose ever been through such hurt. I have lost a lot of people and things in my 32 years of existence. I've lost a sister to mental illness and suicide, I've lost a house to a fire, I've lost all of my grandparents except my two step-grandmothers, and several beloved aunts, uncles, and cousins. If you live long enough, you assuredly will lose something or someone in your life. It is the Circle of Life, according to the Lion King:) I never, however, thought that I could lose so much at one time. My case is not unique. People experience loss all the time; the world is full of stories of incomprehensible pain and despair. My case is only unique to me. Nobody knows my sorrow like I do.

By all accounts the days leading to August 29, 2013 were what I would consider good days. My dad had just celebrated his 62nd birthday, my husband and I just celebrated turning 32, and we got to attend a beautiful wedding in July. I found out I was pregnant with what would have been my second child the second week of August, and although I initially wanted to keep it a secret until I was at least three months along, my husband was so excited! He told everyone he could think of, so I decided to tell people closest to me. His logic was that we needed as much prayer as we could get to protect the baby. I said, you're right, we do! I wasn't really concerned. This time around, I had gotten to a healthy pre-pregnancy weight and I was still quite active, although I had noticed I was getting more fatigued with runs. I was taking prenatal vitamins faithfully, even before I conceived. Like my last pregnancy, it only took me 3 months to get pregnant after stopping contraceptives. I had been concerned that because I was older, it would take longer. Yet, everything seemed to be going as planned. Several days prior to me finding out I was pregnant, I would wake up at the same time in the middle of the night. I attributed it to being pregnant. Little did I know, God was wanting me to really spend time with him. He was preparing me for something.

About a week later, I got some concerning calls from my aunt concerning my dad. He had been in and out of the emergency room, and was sent home because initially they couldn't find anything wrong with him. Later that week, he went to a scheduled doctor's appointment, and because of the severity of his unexplainable pain, was sent to the ER again via ambulance. Subsequently he was admitted. My dad was one of the healthiest persons I knew for the most part. Even though he had smoked and drank in his lifetime, he was faithful about exercising. He was a black belt in martial arts. He was diagnosed with liver disease about 2 years ago, but was managing it and initially we thought he was having some kind of flare up. We were wrong....

I traveled down to Florida to see him by myself the first time. I had to make a 6 hour trip 8 hours due to the fatigue of pregnancy and everyday life, but I needed to see about my dad. When I got there, they were taking him down for a biopsy. He was lethargic and inaudible. I stayed with him that weekend. He was walking and talking, but still in a lot of pain. My aunts and I tried to ask all the questions we could. Before I left to return to North Carolina, I was told it would take a week to get the results. I was concerned, but I didn't fear the worse. I felt like my aunts were going to make sure he got the best care. I called everyday to see about him, some days I could talk to him. Some days, he was too tired to talk, but I told him I loved him, just like I'd always had since I was able to talk. We got the initial diagnosis the following week: Anaplastic Large Cell Carcinoma, stage 3. I've never heard of this, except that it was a form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. The MD assured us that because of the type he had, even though it was in it's late stages, it was treatable with chemo. The following week, he got the catheter placed in him to start chemo, and this is when everything went completely south. Somehow, my dad's kidneys started to fail. The lymph nodes apparently became so enlarged that they were blocking his arteries to his kidneys, his belly was so swollen he could not breathe, and they were concerned about his airway. He was developing infections. I, being the closest next of kin, had to make life or death decisions for him via phone while I was at work trying to take care of other sick people. I wasn't ready for this. God, I wasn't ready...

Fast forward to the Thursday before Labor day: August 29th, My first ultrasound appointment. My husband and I tried to get excited, even though the state of my dad's health loomed over us. We get there, expecting to hear a heartbeat, only to be told by a very experienced ultrasound tech(the same one who showed me David's heartbeat nearly six years ago)that although it was apparent I had been pregnant, there was blood in the gestational sac, and I was about to miscarry. Our hearts began to sink, and all we could do was embrace. "Could this really be happening? Are we losing our baby? Am I losing my dad?" I had told my aunts I was pregnant, because I wanted to give my dad something to fight for. He was so full of life. He loved David so much. He would be excited to hear about another baby. Now, we were being told, it is not meant to be. I couldn't tell my aunts about this now. With the exception of our parents and friends, I told no one about the miscarriage. We were still holding out hope. The cruel thing about the process of miscarriage, is that you still initially feel the pregnancy symptoms. Then slowly, they start to disappear. I now had to refocus on my dad, and pray that nature would not take it's course inside of me until he was out of the woods.

Instead of heading to Myrtle Beach for a wedding Labor Day weekend, we headed down to see my dad. When I got there, I soon discovered that his condition had drastically changed. He had to be heavily sedated because he was in so much pain, he had tubes down his throat to help him breath and provide nutrition. He was swollen and on dialysis 24/7. His eyes were slightly open, but his pupils were dilated. "Was I looking at a patient of mine, or was I looking at my dad?" I was shocked by his appearance, but my medical knowledge helped to keep me calm and rational, for the most part. When I looked at him, I knew it wasn't good. I would stay by his bedside most of the weekend, just looking at him. I tried to joke around, telling him he looked like an old man with all that hair on his face and head. My dad always kept a bald head and neat mustache. The day I had to return back to North Carolina, I knew it was the beginning of the end, and I didn't want to leave him. He was being kept alive. Everything in his once strong and youthful body was shutting down. We were losing him...

That Tuesday, I tried to resume life as normal. My son was starting his first day of kindergarten and riding the bus like a big boy! After taking a few cute pictures and seeing him on his way, I went to work. I knew that this day was going to be the day I would have to start making some tough decisions about my dad so I kept my phone on. No sooner did I finish treating the first patient, did I get the calls I was dreading. Speaking on the speaker phone with my aunts and the doctor as he matter-of- factly pointed out the dire condition of my dad, we decided collectively that my dad would not want to continue going on like this. My mom(who was divorced from my dad, but still very good friends with him) did not hesitate to drive me down to Florida to prepare to see him for the last time...

The walk to his room was the longest walk of my life. I was about to tell my dad we were letting him go. He had lived his life, and it was a good one. He had turned his life over to God and was a man with a big heart for giving and "doing right" by people. He didn't have much, but he gave what he had. God was ready to tell him, "Well done, good and faithful servant", and I had to get ready to let him go. After talking with several doctors and hospice, I decided to sign him over to hospice care so that the end of his life would be as peaceful as possible. After they removed the lines and tubes, with the exception of the pain medicine, I sat there with him; I held his hand, I sang to him (he loved my voice), I told him that it was okay to go. We would be okay. I listened closely to his breathing, and watched the pulse in his neck beat wildly as he struggled between staying with us in this life and moving on to something better in the next. Although the nurse was so kind to turn all the monitors off in the room, I could still hear them in the hallway alarming. The alarms were indicating that his blood pressure was continuing to drop, and his heart rate was getting more irregular. My dad was dying. My baby was dead inside of me. My heart was in a million pieces.

My dad held on for three hours after we removed his life support. I tried to stay with him until his last breath, but my family convinced me to go get some rest. As soon as my mom and I pulled out of the parking lot, I got the call. I ran back up there to his room, but as soon as I opened the door, I knew he was already gone. I was soooo mad at him! He just had to be in control until the end...but I had to respect the fact that he was waiting on me to leave. Although the experience of watching my dad die was grueling, it was also the most beautiful experience. There was a lot of love flowing in and out of that room all day. The heavens opened and it poured down rain upon his entrance into God's hands around 6:30 pm September 4th, 2013. My dad was free!

The next week and a half I was in a daze. The weekend that thousands of beautiful women of color were gathering in Charlotte to run, I was suddenly thrown into planning my dad's funeral. Had my aunts and mom not been with me every step of the way, I don't know how I would have made it through. Family and friends were in and out of my dad's home, the same home he watched his own parents die in. All kinds of food was in my presence. Though I was grateful, I fell into bad habits and started eating food just because it was there. I estimate I've gained between five and eight pounds in three weeks. I was feeling so lost, lost in a bad dream. Just when I thought the dream couldn't get any worst, I started to miscarry. Everything that was predicted was coming to pass. I went numb. Trying to conceal my physical and emotional pain was extremely difficult. Most of my family had found out I was pregnant, and I dare not tell them that now it was not true. I ate more. The week I was planning my dad's service, I got the opportunity to retreat to my cousin's beautiful home for a few days. It was a welcomed escape, and I got the opportunity to get out and run a little, even though I didn't feel like it. I sweated and I cried, over and over again. I made it through the viewing and beautiful service for my dad. I even gathered the strength to speak about him. He was my dad, and even though I didn't get to tell him how proud I was of him, I wanted the people that attended his service to know that I was. He was a loved man. He left a legacy.


I am struggling now to understand why everything had to happen this way, and I suppose I will for a while. Since being back home, I've tried to continue with life as usual. I'm going to work, going to the gym, shuffling David off to school, being mommy and wifey...yet still feeling that gaping hole in my heart. I've told my aunts that I am not pregnant anymore. My heart breaks because I feel like such a disappointment. This baby was supposed to be the rainbow after the storm. I tried to do everything right and took better care of myself this time, but I still lost my child. It wasn't meant to be...this time. Everyday, I wake up now I feel empty and have to find things during the day to fill that emptiness. I'm focused on building my endurance back up and losing the weight I've gained. My emotions are up and down, which I suspect is normal. I struggle with whether I made the right decisions for my dad, and I feel guilty because I couldn't help him get better. I know I have to find peace with what has happened. God is in control, and it was just his time...


Now that I am back at work, I have a new perspective on what my patients and their families go through.Even though the doctors may be telling us to let a loved one go, it isn't so black and white. I was fortunate enough(unlike most families) to know that my dad was truly suffering. Signing those hospice papers, I felt like I had some control over the situation. But I didn't. God was and still is in control, and if my dad was meant to live, God would have turned his situation around. If my baby was meant to survive, God would have made it so. A friend of mine suggested I start a gratitude journal. I think I may do that. God has blessed me far more than not. Even in the midst of tragedy, a blessing waits for me beyond the clouds. I saw a link on Facebook which said,"Describe your life in five words". My life in five words:Constantly...having...my...faith...tested. Yep, that is my life. As I look back over the last couple of years, I realize that God was preparing me for these events all along. He was getting me physically and mentally stronger. He was strategically placing people in my life and moving people closer to me to build my support system. He was drawing me closer to Him. Through it all, I'm still standing. My daddy(and mom) raised a strong woman. Although I feel lost right now, I'm confident I will find myself again. I've proven that I've got great navigational skills, and Jesus is my compass.

I love you all and stay encouraged in the midst of your storms. Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and have been called according to his purpose. In memory of my dad, Anthony General Purdy(7/7/51 - 9/4/13). I love you, daddy!

The Sweet Life

It has been a long thirty days! I challenged myself to avoid all sweets for the month of June. Boy, am I glad June is only thirty days, because thirty-one would have killed me! lol. I would not be telling the whole truth if I said I lived a completely sugar-free life for the last 30 days. I did avoid chocolate, cakes, cupcakes, pies, cookies, and candy all month. I did enjoy an occasional sweet beverage. However, I am still proud of the discipline I showed because last month I went CRAZY with the sweets. Now, I know that I don't need sugar to make it through the day. Not to make light of what drug addicts go through, but I really felt helpless to it. I made "secret" runs to the store, had a stash of Reeses in my car. Oh, it was bad! The more that I consumed, the more I wanted. I had to break the cycle because I felt dependent on sugar as a stress reliever for that short period of time. It was no longer something I truly enjoyed occasionally as a treat. Sugar was something I started to depend on to get me through the day. I was getting an "addicts" mentality, and I did not want to go down that road. Thankfully, I continued to be very active, but I did put on a few pounds for whatever reason; it could have been the sugar, the weight training,or my hormones.

This month has been great, and busy!...my baby boy has been out of town enjoying the company of his grandparents for the last month. I have certainly enjoyed this much needed time alone with my husband. We've enjoyed attempting to make home improvements, and impromptu late night runs to Wal-mart. I've gotten a chance to really focus on my fitness. I could run or workout at times I normally wouldn't be able to, and I have gotten to run more with different Black Girls Run groups around the city. Some of them would probably tell you that I've been a running fool! We take a group picture at the end of each run and post them on the BGR Charlotte Facebook page. I've probably been in about 20 pictures this month alone. By the looks of my Nike Run App, I guess I am a fool for running. I have logged over 50 miles this month! I am not sure if this is a first because I've never been real consistent with tracking my miles up until now. Even still, there were a few short runs I did this month that I didn't track. Some runs were slower than others, but regardless, I finished! It has been very humid lately, which my body does not handle well. So I have been focusing more on frequency, and less on speed and distance. I've been so busy and active, I've hardly noticed the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup minis at the checkout counter, or the cookies from Qdoba at work. Nope, didn't give them a second glance! I've been tightening up,and although I have only lost about two of the six pounds I've gained, I've never felt more in shape or beautiful!

So, tomorrow marks the 1st day of my 17 day long birthday celebration! Since I turned 29, birthdays have been very important to me. Maybe it is because at 29, I decided to make a turn for better health. I saw a truth about myself I've always known, but was too afraid to confront. I felt I didn't deserve to feel good about my self, and I hid it behind being a people-pleaser and over-eater. I didn't want to go into my 30s feeling the same way. So, for the next 17 days until my big day, I must warn you all, I may be a little bit obnoxious and extremely sentimental! I have been thinking of ways to celebrate every day in small ways. One thought that came to mind was to celebrate a person who has had a big impact in my life each day of the 17 days. I am going to write a journal entry(I actually have a paper journal, too) about each person and do a Facebook entry about that person as well. I want to focus on myself, but celebrate others who have positively impacted my life as well. I also want to do something I've never done before, like rock-climbing(in doors, of course) or hike a local mountain.


So, just continue to follow me on the journey...it is not over yet. I may be saying goodbye to 31, but I am rejoicing in the blessings I have now and the ones coming my way. It has been very hard for me to not be anxious about the things my heart truly desires. My good friend shared a quote today from Christine Caine, a powerful woman of God who has preached at my church many times. She said, "Don't put a due date on something God is going to deliver in due season.". I needed to hear that so much! I know that my desires need to be in line with God's will, and I have been praying the two become aligned. So I am dedicated to stepping into 32 with this quote in mind. I'm gonna live the Sweet Life with maybe a little less sweets this time around! Here's to my new year!

Weighed Down

Well folks, I got through most of May without weighing myself, and I am not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. On the plus side, I was not obsessive with jumping on the dreadful scale. I really tried to focus on other indicators of being healthy, such as how I felt inside and how my clothes fit on the outside. It wasn’t until this past week when I went to my doctor to check on some things that I became concerned. I had put on about six pounds over the past four weeks! For some people, this may not sound like much, but for me, I was in melt down mode! I might as well have gained 60 pounds! My husband says, “I am sure it is all muscle”. I have been working hard on improving the definition of my arms and doing a million squats which probably enhanced my already genetically blessed derrière and thighs. May, for various reasons was also a very stressful month for me. I looked to sugar for comfort frequently. It also did not help that there were multiple events which involved food at the hospital I work at, and it was very rare to find something healthy on those menus. Talk about one of healthcare’s biggest contradictions…we are health professionals and we reward ourselves with unhealthy foods. Can we get a nice, catered salad bar, please? I’ve also recently stopped taking anything that would prevent a baby from forming, but I doubt if a kid was growing in my womb he or she would have caused such a rapid weight gain.


So, it is June 1st. I have pledged to not eat sweets over the next 30 days and should I get a craving for something sugary, I will reach for a piece of fruit instead. I was very proud of myself today. We had our company picnic, and I did not have one dessert! My husband has also taken up juicing, which has helped him shed a few pounds. I have benefited from this by supplementing an occasional breakfast meal with a nice blend of fruits and veggies. I have noticed that I can’t get into my size 8 pants anymore, which is a little disheartening, but I don’t feel jiggly. I feel pretty firm and fit; I just wish the scale would mirror what I feel. I am much more optimistic this month, and excited about trying for another child. Like I said before, this will be a different experience from my past pregnancy. With my son, David, I started off grossly overweight, tipping the scale at 250 upon entering my ninth month. I don’t even know how I made it to the ninth month being only 5’2 and my belly was spread from the east to the west coast! I regretfully had to have a caesarean section, which thankfully was uncomplicated. If I can avoid having one this time, it would be such a blessing. This time around, I am at my healthiest weight since high school; I am six years older, and very physically active. My goal is to only gain between 15 to 20 pounds the next pregnancy (so, kid, if you’re in there, I hope you are listening!). I am inspired by the women in my Black Girls Run group. One woman just finished her first half marathon while several months pregnant! God willing, this will be me. Of course I will do my best not to endanger my child for the sake of maintaining my current lifestyle. I will do all the necessary modifications to ensure that we stay as active and healthy as possible so that I can make it to a safe delivery.


Currently, my son is over 2000 miles away with his grandparents for the next month. Though I miss him terribly, I am grateful for this little break. My husband and I are having a great time together, and learning more about each other (you’d think we would know everything about each other after nearly fourteen years together). We are attempting to do some minor home improvements(note, I said attempting. Neither of us is very handy). I am getting more opportunities to run with the girls of Black Girls Run all over the Charlotte area. I love the camaraderie and I enjoy sharing my story with others. I am fortunate enough to be a social media ambassador for Black Girls Run this year, and I have started a new blog, solejourney2013.blogspot.com. The blog will feature various topics while tracing my journey as I embark on training/preparing for the upcoming Black Girls Run “Sweat With Your Sole” 5K/10K race and conference in September. The conference will be held in Charlotte this year, so I am extremely excited it is right at my back door. I hope to convince my mom to run the 5k race. For this next month, I am going to try my best to stay positive even in the midst of the little storms. I have got 47 days until my 32nd birthday;I have got to keep it tight and right! Thank God for the ability to run! It has been my saving grace through some of May’s trials. I really don’t think I would have bounced back as quickly had running not been an outlet for me.

“I don’t have to feel weighed down by life’s burdens. God is strong enough to carry that weight for me, free of charge.” ---Sanpri

Bliss!

April was a good month. The first two weeks I spent diligently preparing for one of my best friend’s wedding. I was so excited, probably more so than her (she was rather stressed, to say the least). I had never been in a wedding before(aside from my own), and I was the matron of honor. One of my responsibilities was to host the bridal shower/bachelorette party.
Out on the town!

The Happy Bride


The night was filled with good food, laughter, and some “passion” secrets. I also came to the realization that I am too old and too young to go out. We had a great time, but I don’t think the night scene is for everyone. We spent a lot of time dodging dirty old men who looked like their primary residence was the club! At some point you have to grow up. Partying that hard ages you. I don’t know about you, but I am trying to stay as youthful as possible! We are in our early thirties, which is an awkward time in adulthood. You are too old to hang with the twenty somethings, and too young to hang with the REALLY grown, sexy forty and up crowd. Be that as it may, my goal was for the bride to have a good time, and I think collectively as a bridal party we achieved that. The wedding itself was very beautiful. The bride looked gorgeous, of course, and as a first time bridesmaid I must say I felt very pretty. I think we all were grateful that she didn’t pick out anything that was unflattering or fugly (yes, fugly is a word, and I have seen plenty of attire that would fit this description!). I actually took time out to get lessons on how to apply my own make up. For an amateur, I think I did a pretty decent job .
Getting pretty!

I love that dress!I will wear it again!

As I was looking back through the pictures, I could not believe how toned I looked. I still feel as if I have a long way to go, but it was such a shock to see muscle definition in my arms and how skinny my neck was, lol(my husband says he can always tell that I am losing weight because my neck is the first to go). Though I was tired after the party, the rehearsal, and the wedding, it was a great weekend! I reconnected with old friends and celebrated the love between two great individuals.

I also managed to get in some good runs with a couple of girls from BGR Jacksonville. Oh, you didn’t think the whole weekend was going to be all fun and no work, did you? Two weeks prior to the wedding I went on a fast from chocolate, cakes, cookies, basically all of the foods that put me in my happy place. I knew that I was going to eat a little more than usual (and possibly drink a little, too). I wanted to make sure I had room to grow if necessary. We got back from a night on the town around 12:30 am. I was up at 4:30 am heading to meet a girl to run. I even got in my squats and dead lifts afterwards. On that Sunday, I met another friend and we took a scenic walk/run on the bridges in downtown Jacksonville early in the a.m. I lived in Jacksonville for 10 years of my life and I had never done this. The skyline is so beautiful early in the morning, and it was such a peaceful time. When I got home and weighed myself, I actually lost the couple of pounds I had gained. Although I love the Charlotte area, I always enjoy going back home to see my family. I need that type of familial love around me every now and then. Something about it rejuvenates my spirit. I also had to resolve that it may be the last time I see the house my mom and stepdad have lived in for the past 9 years because they are moving to Charlotte to be closer to me! However, I will continue to go back to visit my dad and other family members. My roots are in the Ville!



Jacksonville Skyline at 6 am

In other news, it is now the month of May. I am on to a couple of new challenges. The first is doing away with the scale. The thought of this terrified me. As I said in an earlier post, I tend to weigh myself on a daily basis as a way to keep my eating in check. I discovered that this habit was becoming very obsessive, and it was not necessary anymore because now I am aware of how my body should feel in certain clothes that I wear. At one point my legs felt very heavy, but they have increased in muscle tone because I have been doing like 1,000 squats a day. So as of now, it has been nearly a week since I looked at the scale. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. Actually, it has been very freeing! I am also on to a new exercise challenge to continue with toning my whole body so I can get sundress and tankini ready (no bikini, too many stretch marks!) I have been presented with an opportunity to blog about my experience with Black Girls Run during our second annual conference, which will be in Charlotte in September.

I will also let you all in on a kinda, sorta, secret(but I have said it before): We are in the process of planning for our second child! I used the word “planning” very loosely, because no matter how much you plan you can never be fully prepared. I say this also to solicit your prayers because we are both a little anxious and wonder how a second child will change our lives.I am also a little apprehensive because I am older now, my body, though healthy, is a lot different than it used to be. Being more active has shot my hormones all over the place. So, a major prayer is that this process will not be more difficult the second time around. I spoke my desire to the universe, but I know God's will will be done.Whatever happens, I count it all joy! By the end of this month, we will be ready to dive on in! lol. At least this time around, I am at a healthy weight and I plan on sustaining an active lifestyle as much as my body will allow. This month has felt like total bliss. I witnessed two great people be joined together for life. I took on some new challenges physically and professionally as a clinical instructor. I do have my stressors (work, people, etc.) but I am in a very happy place and anticipate so many wonderful changes to come. I am my happiest when I am being productive on my own terms, and helping others in the process.


Below is an excerpt from a personal letter I was asked to write to a teen girl encouraging and affirming her worth for a summit hosted this past weekend called “imatter”. I jumped at the chance to write it, because among one of my other aspirations is to be a mentor for a teenage girl. I certainly wished I would have followed my own advice years ago!
“…Take care of yourself, physically, mentally, spiritually. You can’t be completely healthy in one of these areas and not the other two, speaking from personal experience. At my highest weight (without being pregnant) I was 226 lbs. I was mentally exhausted from my job and trying to please other people. Spiritually, I was not where I needed to be. My relationships suffered because I was not happy with me. What good is it to have pretty hair and nails all the time if your body feels and looks like crap, and your life expectancy is only to 40 years old? You cannot do all the things in this life that God desires you to do if you don’t take care of yourself physically first. Losing weight (by exercising daily and eating right) was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now down to a healthy 150 lbs, I discovered a passion I never thought in a million years I would have, the love of running. At the same time I feel like I am doing God’s work and encouraging others to be their best selves, too. Maybe you aren’t overweight, but there is always room for improvement. Getting physically strong will give you mental clarity, spiritual freedom and help you to discover strengths you never thought you had. Getting in shape saved my life!”

Me feeling great!

It has been 8 months since I met my weight loss goal. Some plusses and minuses along the way, but keeping steady over all with new challenges monthly.

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you”—Fred Devito

The "Skinny" on What's Happening in My World

I find it almost hilarious that many people refer to me as "skinny". Recently, a patient referred to me as "that little skinny girl". A lot of my male patients tend to discredit my strength when they see me, saying, "Oh you are too little to be pulling on me". Granted, if a patient appears to be too much for me to handle, I always plan to have help readily available. Thank God for rehab techs! However, I get slightly irritated at the sometimes sexist way that my male patients (and sometimes even the female patients and family members) who assume that just because I am a "small" female, I can't pull my own weight and theirs for that matter. Okay, maybe I have a bit of a Napolean( or Napoleana, lol) complex. I also tend to get irritated at people who think that just because a female may be pregnant they are helpless. Our hospital staff has had quite a few visits by the stork lately. I know in some cases, you should take extra care when handling larger patients it you are expecting. However, when I was pregnant with my son, I worked well past my due date without many limitations and my doctor said that if I wasn't a high-risk pregnancy, there was no reason I shouldn't. And you know what, should I get pregnant again(hopefully in the very near future) I am going to exercise and work until the doggone baby drops! However, I digress...

Back to the word "skinny" in reference to muah. Well, it still comes as a shock to my system. When I look in the mirror, I see someone healthy, not skinny. According to my husband, I still have curves where they are necessary, so as long as I don't lose those, he is A-OK! However, it got me questioning something. At what point is a person considered "big"? Is that solely up to society and the media to decide? Is it solely your BMI that determines whether you've hit the big "O" (obese)? Technically,I guess I could still be considered overweight for my height, but I never really thought much about my weight in terms of that. I have known many women who may be considered "big" who live relatively healthy lifestyles. Just look at your "plus" size models. The media describes "plus size" as someone who is at or above a size 8...which is what I currently am. Seriously? So I am getting mixed messages...am I skinny or big? Well, my answer is, I am perfectly imperfect: I am the perfect size for me in this very imperfect world. I figure, as long as I am striving to be my healthiest, that is just going to have to be acceptable. I carry a little card with some photos of me on my 29th birthday, when I was at my heaviest. I have shown the photos to people who could not believe how heavy I was, and they just about fell out. Heck, sometimes I have to look twice to make sure I am looking at the same person. Back then, I was breathing heavier, snoring louder, emotionally eating, whining about how yucky I felt about myself. And then I decided to make a change...

So, I have been keeping myself REALLY busy these days, hence why it has been over a month since my last entry. Usually I will start a draft of a blog and come back to it several times, because I might not be feeling it at the moment. Catching up since I last blogged, I ran my 2nd Half Marathon, The Run with Donna for Breast Cancer Awareness in Jacksonville Beach Florida back in Febuary. It was an AMAZING race! My husband and I had such a good time together...I was so happy he was with me. I actually PR'd and beat my last time by 7 minutes! It was so inspiring to see survivors out there running the race, and men out there in pink skirts (which may have taken the concept a bit too far, lol) The crowd was awesome. Though it was cold, people came out of their beautiful beach homes and cheered us on. My favorite part was the one mile memorial run on the beach. I had never run on the beach before, and had it not been slightly uncomfortable, I wish I could have run longer on it before the path veered back onto the street. It was a serene scene. I also just LOVED the big hill at the end of the race. The wind was blowing,and I sooo wanted to give up. But I only had one more mile, and I was not about to stop on that darn hill! I saw my king at the bottom of that hill and he had a look of sheer pride(which meant he had gotten over having to get up with me at 5am to get me down to the race on time)! He kills me because he says I am a nut because my face just lights up when I talk about running, more than anything else I talk about. He has no interest in ever running 13.1 miles, but he loves that I am so passionate about it!



My Bling!

This month, I participated in my first marathon relay in Columbia,SC with some girls in my Black Girls Run group. We had a great time of fellowship with ladies in BGR chapters from Atlanta, Columbia, Raleigh and many other surrounding cities. The mishaps at the beginning of the race were comical, being that I was the 2nd leg and was late getting to my stop. Not only was there a train holding up our very crowded little preschool bus, some people had to switch buses to get to our location because it was overcrowded, which was a ten minute wait. Other racers had to hitch rides with perfect strangers. I got to my stop about 20 minutes after my first leg partner got there. She was waiting on me, and I should have been waiting on her! Anyhoo, we hurriedly switched off the bib when we saw each other. The run itself was beautifully challenging, if you could understand that description. It was full of hills, and one big "Oh Jesus" hill toward the end of my run. I finished in the time that I planned which 8 miles in 1:20, and we collectively finished in under 4:40! Good times!



My Awesome Relay Team

I am also in the process of trying to get a standing run established in my area of town. Black Girls Run Charlotte has several "Standing Runs" which are conducted by a run coordinator, and usually held at the same time/same day every week,at the same meeting spot for the most part. However,before your run becomes an official standing run, you have to host many unofficial runs with a good amount of people consistently present at each run. I had a challenge on my hands. I live in a town called Monroe, about 20 miles outside the city of Charlotte. The population is mixed, but I would say there are more Caucasians and Hispanic people than African Americans in this area. However, each week on our BGR Charlotte facebook page I would post when I would be running in the area and invite other ladies to join me. My schedule is crazy during the week, with my son and work. The only time I could run with a group is if they ran early in the mornings on the weekends. I have a partner that does long runs with me on Saturdays, but I wanted to encourage people in my area to start running. I just knew their had to be SOME black girl other than me running in this part of town! Slowly, I started getting responses. Now, my personal schedule has gotten more routine, and I have held several unofficial runs on Sunday mornings at 6am. We have had about 6 or 7 ladies come out, which makes me ecstatic! I am also encouraging all ladies in the area to participate in my local gym's first 5K in May. I want to spread the word in my area about how this group is really changing the lives of African-American women, and I feel that our presence at this race is crucial!



A couple of the girls in my area who run with me

In other news, I am also prospering in the workplace, having just celebrated my 4th year at Carolina Specialty Hospital. I am also a first time clinical instructor, which has proven not only to be a learning experience for my student, but for me as well. My lifelong goal is to teach in the college setting, and now I am getting a taste of what that may be like. I still continue to lead a small group at church, which has just been my peace, really! Getting together with these women helps me to stay grounded and feel blessed that there is a loving God!

Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode because I have so much on my plate. But then, I also feel like God is really trying to push me out of my comfort zone now that I have proven to myself that I can win the weight lost battle. I feel He really wants me to step out as a strong leader, which I have always tended to shy away from. I am just praying that when He says the word "go" I won't be hesitant to follow His lead. I think losing the weight, and living a healthy lifestyle has given me the confidence to pursue these things wholeheartedly. When I think of my life, I think of this old song we used to sing in my home church, "I Am A Living Testimony". I finally feel like I have a life worth talking about and I hope that my story helps others jump out of their comfort zones!



I am still holding 150 lbs strong 6 months after hitting my goal weight!

My Prayer for Disciplined Consumption

"Dear God,
This month you gave me an opportunity to fast for 21 days, and draw my strength from you. During this time, I learned many things about myself. I learned about what role food plays in my life, and most importantly, I learned that your grace knows no bounds. Your grace pours continuously over my life like a waterfall. It has been refreshing having this intimate time with you. The first few days of fasting dairy, meat, sweets, and refined/enriched pastas/grains, I felt so puny. I noticed that I was having trouble keeping my breathing in sync with my runs. I felt slow and powerless with my strength training. However, what I soon discovered was that my reliance on my physical power was trust misplaced. I was depending on food for energy and strength, when I really should have been depending on you.

Yes, food is important. It is a catalyst for many biological processes to occur in our bodies, but it is NOT our true energy source. Food does not awaken me in the morning, nor does it motivate me to get up at 5 am on Saturdays to run when I could be asleep. Once I realized this, I started to refocus and remember your promises. During this time, I also started to read the book of Daniel. I have read this book many times before. I love Daniel. He was such a visionary, a non-conformist. Even in the midst of captivity, he trusted in you to rescue him in times of trouble and to provide him with impeccable wisdom. He did not indulge in pagan pleasantries. He ate of the earth and proved to rulers that you did not have to feast on carnage to be strong. After a few days into my fast and meditating on your word, my strength began to rise. I felt renewed. I won't say that the fast was without its challenges, which I am quite sure the Devil threw my way. There were baby showers and work celebrations that featured some of my favorite foods. People would ask me to "Have some" and I would have to kindly refuse.I received many an odd stare from people who have told me I didn't need to lose any more weight, not understanding my purpose for not partaking of certain foods. My husband and son were still eating what they wanted too, as I ate a plate of vegetables. Yet I remained disciplined because I did not want to break my promise to you, and you were the one who carried me through when temptations got strong.

Although consumption of food is one of the most pleasurable experiences one can have, I now know that I can do without certain foods and be content. I can truly see how wasteful I was being, when there are people in this world who would be content with just a corner of a plate of food I inhale on a daily basis. This fast was not about losing weight, it was about gaining insight about your plans for me this year. I know that this will be a year of stability for me financially and personally. I have managed to really stick with something long enough to see the results. I am excited about opportunities to reach new goals. I thank you Lord, for using me to help my husband to also see the benefits of fasting on his own. Although he only fasted for two days, he too learned what it took me 21 days to discover. Even though I am not fasting any more, there are certain rules I still intend on following (i.e dairy free fridays, meatless mondays,sweetless sundays) just to remind me that I need not to indulge in food just because I can. I need to draw closer to you, because it is what you have called me to do. YOU are my energy source.

In your son, Jesus' name. I thank you."

Amen

2012: A Look Back

Wow! It has almost been two years since I decided I needed to make a right turn toward better health for good! I must say, I am very glad to see the holidays go. Although I always enjoy the family time and food, these times are also the Devil's playground for people on a weight loss/maintenance journey. The holidays are a stressful time, good or bad stress. When I am stressed, I tend to navigate toward unhealthy foods. Fortunately, thanks to a pretty routine running and weight training schedule, I managed to keep my weight under control. I have gained a couple of "happy pounds", but I plan on getting those off quickly in the new year. I recently took a visual inventory of myself, and I am "getting to happy" with what I see. I am not skinny, I am not fat. I am strong, toned, and retaining my femininity at the same time. This past weekend, I ran the fastest I have ever ran a 6 mile run, about 9 minutes and 40 seconds a mile. It was an awesome feeling!

Most of us are reflecting on the joys and sorrows, the triumphs and losses of the year right about now. A tradition I deeply miss is being able to go to my hometown church, Mt Vernon Missionary Baptist in Jacksonville, FL on New Year's Eve. There was always tons of singing, testimonies, and reflection on those members who have gone on to glory. A few minutes before midnight, we would all get on our knees and pray. Then the pastor announces the New Year! It was such a good feeling to be in a place I felt safe and loved. Although I won't be home for New Year's this year, I plan on getting on my knees five minutes before midnight, and thanking God for the blessings and the trials he has brought me through this past year. For those of you who may not be super religious, forgive me for my constant references to God. I love Him sooo much, and I have to give honor to the One who has brought me through. Bear with me! :) Below are some of my highlights from 2012:

1. In March 2012, ~ 2 weeks before I was scheduled to run my first 10K in Charleston, I fell and hurt my knee while trying to keep a co-worker's child from hurting himself. Praise God, I did not break anything. With determination and training, I was able to run most of my race without hurting, and despite being in a minor car accident the night before the race. The Devil was defeated that weekend!

2. I ran a 5K my birthday weekend in July in St. Augustine, with some wonderful friends of mine. I PR'd too, beating my last 5K time by about 8 minutes!

3. I had to put my beloved car, Terra (2005 Nissan Xterra) to rest. I was so blessed to have her car payment free thanks to my family for 7 years, without any major problems until this year. Now, I have a car payment :(. I am thankful for provision and being able to pay it on time!

4. I got to go to New York (finally!) for the 1st time with my mother in May. I believe it is probably the most memorable trip I have had with my mom. She had a lot of energy, and because she was raised there, she knew the city well. I ran the Brooklyn Bridge(it is only a little over a mile long)! I got to see my first Broadway play, on Broadway (A Streetcar Named Desire). We navigated the subways, streets and burrows like pros. We walked for miles daily, and it was such a great adventure. New York is not the prettiest place in the world, but there is something about it that I absolutely loved; a rugged charm, perhaps? I can't wait to go back hopefully in the coming year!

5. I met and continue to meet up with a great AP (accountability partner) through my association with Black Girls Run. She is a healthcare professional, with a big family and busy schedule like myself. She is one of the few "nuts" willing to get up with me at 5 in the morning on a Saturday, in the freezing cold to run. And I am a better runner because of her.

6. I participated in the First Annual Black Girls Run 10 K Race and Conference in Atlanta in September. It was an awesome experience with some beautiful ladies from all over the country celebrating our health and also benefitting the homeless. I also PR'd in this race, beating my last 10 K time by 12 minutes! I can't wait until this year's conference. I am sure it will be an even greater success because the word has spread like wildfire that Black women are on the move!

7. I reached my weight loss goal of 150 lbs in September! It only took about 20 months to do it with hard work, change of habits, and prayer!

8. I got to speak at a running buddy's church in October, along with two other ladies, about my weight loss journey. It was a very humbling experience. I had to show pictures of my old self, the self I still sometimes see in the mirror but it is just an allusion. I prayed that I at least helped one lady want to change her life in a positive way. The Church needs to not only be a place for spiritual well being, but all around health as well. I hope to continue doing events like this in the coming year.

9. I celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary in November. It is always a miracle to me that we made it another year (joking!) I have developed a fierce love for my husband over the years, especially this past year. I am so proud of the changes he is trying to make as a person, and we are really developing a new found passion for one another. Very grateful!

10. My beautiful baby boy David turned 5 one day after our anniversary! I can't believe it...I still remember the day he magically appeared in my world(well, it might not have been magic, more like science, with a whole lot of God mixed in). He is the product of a love so deep, and I am so proud of him!

11. I ran in my first half marathon in Huntersville, NC in 2 hrs 22 minutes, beating my goal of 2 hours and 30 minutes! Yes, I am still amazed. I proudly rock the "13.1" sticker on the back of my car, because I earned it! I just started running last year and could hardly run a 5k. Now I plan on doing 1 half marathon every 3 months!

12. I got to be apart of a spirit filled Christmas at Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC. I handed out bibles to people who were giving their lives over to Christ. I also got to pray with some people, too. You'd be surprised what a big impact a little prayer can make. It was wonderful to see whole families and kids stand up and declare a new life for themselves. A very emotional moment!

This list is only a fraction of what God has done for me over the past year. There are so many things He does behind the scenes. There is so much prep work involved to get me ready for the next blessing, the next trial. 2013 will also be the second year I am participating in the Daniel Fast. For two weeks I will be "eating clean": no additives, no dairy products, no flour enriched products. The diet consist of mostly fruits, veggies, water. I will also be taking a hiatus from certain distractions (i.e facebook, with the exception of communicating with my BGR family about running events). During this time, I just pray for focus and direction from God. I have so many goals for 2013, which I will go into detail in the coming months. I am already looking forward to being a Matron of Honor for the first time, paying off debt, my parents moving closer to me, starting a weight loss small group in the summer through my church, and hopefully expanding my family;)

Stay tuned, the adventure is getting to its climax....Happy New Year, and again, thank you all so much for sharing this journey with me. It is your encouragement and love that keeps me fueled and ready to take on the next challenge!