The Shame Game

I haven't done a blog entry in a few weeks. It wasn't because I was super busy...I stay busy. I am a busy person. I don't know how not to be busy. So, no,I can't use that excuse. Honestly, I was sort of avoiding doing the blog. Mostly because I didn't want to admit my failures. However, I realized that it is a disservice to myself to not be truthful with myself. If I can't look at myself without a filter, how can I be of help to someone else with the same struggle? I have been participating in a book study based on Stasi Eldredge's book "Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You". To be honest, I am not crazy about the book so far. She is being very candid about her life, but her style of writing leaves much to be desired. However, I can relate to her struggles with weight. There is one quote in the book that really resonated with me, "First, shame is not an agent of change". I actually said this out loud a few times until I ingrained it in my soul. How can I continue to grow and get past my weight struggles if I continue to fall into a cycle of shame and self pity when I don't always eat as I should, or work out as hard as I should? I won't win if I keep purposely trying to defeat myself. I am not that person. I am an overcomer in life. I always have been, and always will be. My slip ups don't define who I am as a person. They just show that I am human.

Up until this week, my weight has been stagnant. And, well, that sucks. It's no one's fault but my own. I got too comfortable and allowed myself too much leeway. I have been training pretty hard for my upcoming half marathon, which means I am always hungry. Yet, I didn't always fuel myself properly, which is why my weight did not move. I felt there was no point in documenting my journey if I was going down the wrong road. Sometime last week I woke up and made the decision that win or lose, lose or gain, I am going to love myself how I am at this moment. If I don't start really embracing where I am now, I won't be able to sustain when I get to where I want to be. My husband and I recently had a conversation about body image and women. He said women put so much pressure to be something that we never asked you all to be. He likes me the size I am now, and when I recently wore a dress I hadn't worn in 3 yrs(when I was 37 lbs lighter) he said I looked better now in the dress, than I did back then. While I appreciate his love for all my thickness, I know I have to get to MY happy. This happiness starts from the inside and manifests itself out. There are so many things that play into my happiness, and it's not just my satisfaction with my body. When I embrace poor habits, it's a reflection of how I feel about a lot of things that aren't necessarily going my way in life. Most days I really like myself, who I am and what I look like. It's not enough to like myself. I am going to have this body for the rest of my life. I need to learn to love it, in any condition, but love it enough to always desire to take care of it the best I can.

Me, 37lbs or so ago...150 lbs

Me,a couple weeks ago at 187. A little thicker, but still cute, lol. And yes, that is the same dress!


So this week, I have been successful. As a way to prepare for my up coming race, I decided to re-dedicate myself to healthier eating. This is hard. It's very hard. Finding balance is such a challenge. I have asked for guidance from my higher power and strength, because I can't do this on my strength alone. Just by kicking up my protein, limiting sugars, drinking loads of water, and starting the day with, "I love the you that you are TODAY", I have noticed changes externally and internally. The one thing I have learned in the 5 years that I have actively been on this healthy journey, is that the roads may change, but the destination is always the same. I can't let shame keep me from reaching my destiny. Shame is counterproductive. Most days I just really have to ask myself, do I want instant gratification or long term results? I may not make the right decisions all the time. As a matter of fact, I am already planning my cheat day during my trip to New York. But I am running 13.1 miles, and I am going to enjoy my meals the hours after the race, but get back on track as soon as it is over. I have several accountability groups to convict me of my decisions, and I'm even leading a fitness/bible study challenge in one of those groups for the month of October. For now, my main goal is to love the me I am now, and keep my eyes looking toward the me I want to be. There will be no shame in my game. Embracing the fluidity of "me", and knowing that I am not stagnant or inflexible is a pretty reassuring thing.

Image is Everything!

So, I was recently looking at myself, as I do many days. I have been really trying to challenge myself to pick out the positives about my body instead of falling into the self loathing trap that leaves me wanting to cry some days when I don't feel I look my best. This challenge came about at the beginning of the summer as I was in search for a bathing suit. Until really recently, I was never much of a water person. I am very much a mountain lover. I have grown to appreciate the peace that looking out at an infinite body of water brings me. I discovered this last year on a birthday trip for a friend in Miami. Twice I got to venture out on the beach, run barefoot through the cool sand, look out at ships coming in, and storms brewing. A calmness came over me. I fantasized about doing a photo shoot on the beach in my sexy two piece, with a pretty flower in my hair, to celebrate the woman I was becoming. Yes, I know it sounds kinda corny, but I let my mind drift in this direction from time to time. I decided this summer would be my breakout summer. Perfect body or not, I was getting my two piece! After some discussion with my husband, because I value his opinion, I decided I was going to do it.

I thought the search would be easy, but it was anything but. I'm not really a unique body type...well sort of. Without going into much detail I have been very blessed in some areas and it's been a challenge finding a flattering top that was sexy, but modest, and offered support. I went to so many department stores in search of the perfect suit. One girl working in Lane Bryant actually kinda laughed at me when I came in. While I am considered plus size, I am short. I have a small band size with a full chest. And the smallest band size they had was 40, which just wouldn't do. I went to Dillard"s and tried on what felt like 100 tops just to be disappointed every single time. It was soooooo discouraging. While I love my shape, clothing doesn't always seem to love it. Trying on any type of clothing most times leaves me feeling a bit defeated because certain things that look great on the rack, look a hot mess on me. I was about to just settle into the reality that I would always have to wear an ill fitting suit or a t-shirt and shorts to the pool or beach. No matter how much weight I lose, I would still have this bust problem (because I never really seem to lose much in that area). But then....it happened. A running buddy of mine gave me a gift card to TJ Maxx for my birthday. Now, I never really shop at TJ Maxx, and I don't know why. It just never occurred to me to ever go there. So I went in one day, it looked like a decent store. I spotted a new waist belt for my phone, picked that up. Then, I spotted a few cute little suits. Just knowing that the outcome would be the same, I reluctantly went into the dressing room and tried them on. Low and behold, one of the tops actually looked okay! It wasn't a perfect fit, but when I put on the bottoms and made a few adjustments, I actually felt pretty cute! I have been blessed with the notorious mommy belly some of us are prone to have after birth, a little sagging pooch that just hangs around no matter how many abdominal exercises I do. However, I still felt confident in the suit, and I decided I would wear it to swimming lessons. I like how my new top crosses in the back. I like how my arms look (I am working on getting my "Angela Bassett's" back, as my husband calls them) , and the girls aren't flopping around all over the place! Finally, it was a win for me in the swimsuit department!


Now let me tell you, I have seen people (men and women) letting it all hang out without any shame, so surely, I would be ooooookaaayyyyy! I always wondered where that confidence came from. Now that I am older, I am thinking the "I don't give a damn" attitude comes with age, lol. While I don't think I will have time before the Summer is out to prance around the beach with a flower in my hair, at least I can hang out at the indoor pool, and feel pretty confident not only about my body but my newly developed swimming abilities. It's just so fitting how the 2016 Olympics in Rio are going on right now, and people are talking about the young African American ladies dominating in gymnastics and swimming. People have been raving about them, but people have been attacking their images too. I can only imagine being on the world stage, how difficult this criticism must be for them and yet they push on, defying the odds. No one is talking about my body or my hair on social media. In fact, no one probably even gives my body a second thought. However, it's so hard not to internalize societal stereotypical standards and feel like you have to fit in a certain mold to be able to do this, or wear that. Putting on that bathing suit helped me to feel more positive about myself and the hard work I put into making this body work for me. So, I look back at myself in the mirror, and my reflection says, "Oh, hell yes!", and then I walk away... in full beast mode!

Weight loss: I have lost 3 lbs since the last journal entry! Woo hoo!

New Adventures at 35

Recently, I celebrated my 35th birthday. It was easily ranked in my top 3 of Greatest Birthdays, along with my 16th (which was a surprise Sweet Sixteen) and 30th (a trip to Italy with friends). I decided this would be the year of new adventures and not limiting myself from exposure to different things due to fear. I have always led a pretty straight and narrow life. Never got suspended, made pretty good grades, involved in my school and community, etc. etc. I lived this way all of my life but realized around the time I turned 30 that I had never really lived. I didn't even put permanent color in my hair until I was 30! I had always been an old person in a sense, trapped in a young person's body. I accelerated through undergraduate school faster than most because I was so busy with my head in the books rather than peaking to see what everyone else was doing in the clouds. It wasn't until I started running, right before I turned 30, that I realized there really was so much more to life, than just living right. Life is also about living well, and living well is defined differently for different people.

Running, if you allow it to, can really open doors to new experiences and new people. It is not by any means a cheap sport. If you are serious about running, chances are you've been in a race or two, and race entry fees alone are comparable to a household utility bill. However, running has afforded me the ability to meet driven people with various fitness interest and life aspirations. Had I not become a runner, I might not have had the opportunities to travel like I have, though I have so much more traveling to do. I might not have developed my new interest for swimming as a way to help me with my endurance, as I am currently taking swimming lessons. Most importantly, I might not have discovered the outer AND inner strength I possess, a courage and perseverance that has surprised me many times over past 5 years that I have been a runner. Running has definitely taught me you have to push through certain things in life, and see them through to the finish. The work is hard but the reward is always sweet. I decided to zip line as a way to celebrate my new found fearlessness that running has unleashed. I found that once you take the first leap on the zip line, the other leaps weren't so bad. You'd never know that though if you didn't try.

Given the current events of the world right now, you realize that life is too short and too precious to sit around thinking about what you wanna do. You just gotta get up and do it, and if it seems impossible you find a way to make it possible. Nothing really is out of our reach. But you can't sit on your butt and hope the stars will fall in your lap, you gotta reach for them. So, I have got a few things in line for this next year as I am trying to get back to my happy weight of 150 lbs (currently I am 188). Here's a list of a few things I am doing:

1. Revamping my healthy eating plan, including adding 5 smaller meals throughout the day that are protein packed. It's extremely hard to do this considering my job is one in which I barely get time to eat lunch, never mind fitting in a snack during the day. However, it can be done.

2. Adding tea to the start of my day to just kick start my metabolism.

3. I definitely want to do more of these dreadfully expensive destination races, with my eyes already set on Rock N Roll Brooklyn Half this October. I would also love to do a couple in the mid west and west coast.I usually try to pick places that are close to family or friends to spare some expense.

4. I want to get back into skating. I recently went skating after having not been on skates in 5 years, and though I really suck at it, I wasn't the suckiest person out there. Skating is a great work out, and I actually taught myself in college how to roller blade. I also think this is a great activity for me and my oldest son to do, because he's always begging me to take him skating.

5. I want to become a great swimmer and I am on my way to at least becoming good enough that the lifeguards won't have to be on standby to do CPR on me. My technique is not the best, but I am moving from one end of the pool to the other and right now that is all I care about.

6. Hike more. I've gotten into hiking at a local mountain. I absolutely love it and it is a completely different workout than running. I plan to incorporate these hikes at least once a month in my fitness plan.

I want to live my life continuing to be the best person I can be, and enjoy life along the way! I don't have to be a size 2 to do that, but I do want to be in my best health so that I enjoy life to the fullest. It's the saddest thing to see young people who are too unhealthy to enjoy life with their peers because they made poor life choices, and didn't know they were worth more. I am getting older but Lord knows I am ready to finally live. I've also learned at 35 you don't have to wait around for others to get to where you want to be. Sure, I love bringing people along my journey full of adventures. However, everything ain't for everybody. I've learned to celebrate with or without an audience, and it helps that naturally I am an introvert. So I am cool doing things by myself, although it's nice to have company every now and then.

Well, now that I've got my goals in writing. It is time to put them into action. Stay tuned...

The Return

I consider myself a fairly spiritual person. I sometimes daydream about my ideal Heaven. Ideally, I would love to dwell eternally in a place where I could see every person I ever loved and lost. I would also love to live in a land filled with my unlimited food favorites and never have to worry about gaining a pound. It sounds crazy, I know, but what else could be more perfect? On Earth, I spend day in and day out consumed with what I eat, how much I eat, and why I eat what I eat. It's frustrating, and at times discouraging because there are days I know I could do better and I don't. The weird thing is, I'm actually bored with food right now. Nothing is really appetizing to me. I eat food that tastes good, but it's not always what I really want.

Since I gave birth to my second son two years ago, this weight loss journey has been harder this time around. I will do really well with my eating one day, then suck at it the next day. It's been a while since my last journal entry, but the last two years have been challenging with our newest addition as he faced many health obstacles. I, too, had some health issues and underwent hernia repair surgery. I also had to get an extensive evaluation of my heart to make sure it was working correctly. Thankfully, today, both my son and I are doing well. I continued to work out through it all, because working out is why I don't throat punch people on a daily basis (ha, ha, just kidding but not really). I even managed to run 2 half marathons within these last two years. Though I was finally able to get back under 200 lbs, I am still far from where I need to be, and I know that has to do with my eating habits.

I am notorious for starting some things and not finishing them. It's weird but there are things I pour myself into, like learning how to swim. Yet, when it comes to food, I just can't seem to get meal planning down consistently. I really don't like to cook. I am too tired most days to cook, and with me being the healthier eater in the house, I'm usually preparing more than one type of meal to satisfy everyone. I know these are terrible excuses, but it's what I am dealing with now. I have toyed with trying the shakeologies, the smoothie diets, etc. etc. No offense to anyone who does these kinds of diets, but I know I couldn't live the rest of my life without real food. I could possibly survive being a vegetarian, but I love seafood and chicken too much to leave them totally behind. I have gone without meat for some time before, and though its not hard for me to do, I don't want to do it full time. The idea of being vegan is great, but again, it's really not for me. I admire people who are devoted to the vegan lifestyle, however. I freakin' love food, and I know there is a way that I can get back to my happy weight and eat some of what I like, some of the time. I recently read a book discussing boundaries with food. Somewhere along the way I overstepped my boundaries. How do I get back to where I was? Why haven't I been able to just eat well and eat right all the time like I used to?


After I got my most recent fitness assessment reality hit me. I discovered the one thing I hadn't been doing is writing about my journey. Blogging was how I started my last journey, and it was how I kept myself accountable aside from joining accountability fitness groups. I was pretty good about writing down what I ate and tracking my physical activity. I didn't want to write down something that I'd be ashamed I ate. It's always good to go back to where you started sometimes to help you get to where you wanna go. So, I am back; I am back to share, back to inspire, back to make you laugh, maybe sometimes make you cry.Some of you may religiously read my wordy blogs. Some of you may just Facebook "like" my post, just because you like me but not really take the time to read them. It's okay, because I do that sometimes, too. Really, this blog is for me, but if I can make an impact on just one other person other than myself, I think that is a major win. Now that I am the ripe old age 35, I feel I've gained some wisdom. I appreciate life more than ever now. My goal is to live a life without ceilings.I want to be a good example for my children so that they can live the same way. The sky is the limit when it comes to being the best me. It's time to return to what I know works for me. Stay tuned...