Sunday, September 25, 2011

50!

If you are a facebook friend of mine, then you should know by now that I have reached my 50 pound weight loss goal as of today! I am extremely excited and terrified at the same time. It's taken long enough, and I am certainly glad to be at this point. Yet, now I know that the bar has to be raised. I still have 25 more pounds to go to make my "ideal" weight. Doesn't sound like much compared to 50, but many of you may be able to identify how hard it is to lose those last few pounds. I know that temptation is going to come at me hard these next few weeks, especially with the holidays rolling around. Why is it that they are all back to back anyway? Truly a dieter's curse!

It seems like it has taken me an awfully long time to get to this point. I've known a lot of people who have lost the same amount of weight or more in a shorter period of time. I was glad (and maybe a little envious)for them. However, now I know that the course I am taking is the one I need to take. I needed the extra time to discover the stuff that has been holding me back. I needed extra time to reflect on the person that I am, which I have come to find out is a pretty decent person. If I had been able to get to this point quicker, I would have missed out on how therapeutic this journey has been for my spirit, and I probably would have bounced back into old habits because I would not have fully appreciated the process.

I have just got to give my pastor, Steven Furtick of Elevation Church in Charlotte, NC a huge shout out(he may not even read this, but this is a testimony to all of my friends and family). Every week he comes with the word of course, but I don't know how God manages to line Pastor Furtick's word with the situations I am going through at that moment. We have begun a new study series on Hebrews 12. Today his focus was on the first 3 scriptures, but I scrolled down to Hebrews 12:11 which reads, "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." I can't wait until we touch on this one. I just want to put it on a t-shirt and sell it! This applies to every area of my life, most specifically to weight loss. If anything takes discipline, it is sticking to a life long weight loss and management plan. Every step of the way has been painful, not just physically, but emotionally.

The other day, I was just having such a strong attack on my spirit. I was being snappy with my son and my husband. I left the house and went to work out. I then stopped by Wal-mart to look for something, but then I saw it...McDonald's! Now, I am not a big fan of McDonald's. But as a parent (and a busy one at that), I find myself frequenting this establishment on the days I don't have time to cook. The kid is happy,and I am relieved(and, just in case you are wondering, I do chose the healthier options for my child). On this fateful night, I really wanted something that was not so healthy. Torn, I walked through the store for about 30 minutes, trying to clear my head and think rationally about the bad decision I was about to make. I did go to McDonald's, but I got a small cup of low fat yogurt, and not the greasy chicken sandwich that I really wanted. A small victory in my eyes!

Pastor Steven hit on 4 points on why people just stop trying based on the scriptures. The last one, "We never realize how close we are to victory", hit me the hardest. I am definitely closer to victory than I was 8 months ago when I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself. My visions for myself: spiritual, mental and physical, are so much clearer now that I have gotten rid of the "weight". I bought a shirt at church today with a lyric from the song we sing which will always remind me of my struggles, but also remind me that there is hope. It reads, "I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me." The next line goes "My flesh may fail, but my God you never will."

Here's to brand new victories over the flesh everyday!

WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 50, yes five-zero baby!



Thursday, September 15, 2011

When Everyone Is Okay With You but You


Me, Sept 2011

The last couple of weeks, I have been working hard to meet my 50 pound weight loss mark. It has been very difficult, coming off slowly, but physically I feel strong. Along with the weight loss comes the wonderful compliments from friends, coworkers and family. Believe me, I appreciate them all. At times, however, I feel a little awkward receiving them and I am at a lost as to how to respond. I have come a long way, but I am not yet where I need or want to be. Many have said I look great at the current weight I am at. My husband even jokingly (but,I think he was a little serious) said that he only wanted me to lose seven more pounds. He thinks I am beautiful just as I am at this moment in time. I have tried to explain to him that I have to lose what I feel is necessary to lose in order to feel like I really accomplished what I set out to do, which is to be at a healthy weight for life. I know how easy it is for people in my family to gain weight. I don't want to get to a point where I am too comfortable with myself thinking that the weight cannot creep on up again.

I think about the possibility of us having another child. I hope that this time around I will be at a better mental and physical state to lose the baby weight more easily if I get pregnant at a healthy weight. I just don't want to get into that cycle again. I know how easily stressed and frustrated I get at life when things don't go as I plan them. It is very hard for me to "go with the flow", which places me at a higher risk to be an emotional eater. I have felt at times as if I was a drug addict who hit rock bottom. Only a person who knows what it means to hit rock bottom, knows that it is at that point you start recognizing something in your life has to drastically change. Yet the demons, the temptations are always there in the midst of your triumphs. For a person who is fragile and new to recovery, the self doubt sets in, which begins the cycle.

I love that everyone is okay with the "new me". However, I want to be able to feel okay deep down in my soul. I don't want to feel like my confidence or body image is superficial. But I guess sometimes one has to create a facade in order to get through life, until that feeling of unwavering confidence completely shines through. With all that being said, I hope this didn't sound too depressing. This is just what I am feeling at the moment. Pray for me that I remember what God sees in me is so much greater than what I see, and he is never wrong!


Me, July 2010





WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 49 lbs! Almost there....

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Something to Look Forward To...

I've come to the realization that in order for me to be satisfied with my life in every area, I need to have something to look forward to all the time. I discovered this some years back when I was planning my wedding.Planning was stressful because I am not a very detail oriented person, and I had some problems visualizing what I wanted my wedding to be like. As tedious as the whole planning process was, after the event was over, I felt like I was in "wedding withdrawal". My saturday would no longer be filled with trips to Garden Ridge for decorations, planning the food and guests list. I felt a bit of a void until my next adventure, motherhood , came along. For nine months I planned for this little person that would change my entire life. I imagined what he or she would look like. I even looked forward to the monthly then weekly doctor's appointments. When he finally arrived, I was in awe of his presence. The anticipation was over. I remember feeling a void as my identity shifted from being Sanpri, to Jason's wife, and now David's mother.

As I am embracing a new, healthier me, I have rediscovered that joy I once had looking for the next great thing to happen in my life. This "thing" can even be on a small scale(i.e painting my wall, "what will my picture look like on that freshly painted wall?") For the last few weeks, I have been training to run a charity marathon. Okay, so it's only a 5K. But then I think of how far I have come. I couldn't even walk a mile, and now I can run one. I look forward to everyday that I can work out to attain a new distance or improved time. I haven't felt this great physically in a long time.

The change in my physical appearance has given me a boost mentally as I start to feel more confident about who I am. I actually like to shop for myself now! I am grateful everyday I can wake up and make health-conscience decisions about my diet("pancakes or grapefruit and yogurt?"), my mental health ("I will not let that patient's family get to me today!"), and my physical health ("I think I can do the jump rope twice as fast today!"). At times, I have found my self worrying about what I will have to look forward to once I meet my goal weight. So, I made myself a big promise. Every January that comes around and I am five pounds within my goal weight, I am going to celebrate in a big way!


Everyday is a new challenge, a new beginning, a new journey. Everyday I look back over my mistakes(but don't dwell on them), and look forward to my victories!



WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 47 lbs ya'll! 3 lbs from reaching the next short term goal, 28 lbs from my goal weight!