Image is Everything!

So, I was recently looking at myself, as I do many days. I have been really trying to challenge myself to pick out the positives about my body instead of falling into the self loathing trap that leaves me wanting to cry some days when I don't feel I look my best. This challenge came about at the beginning of the summer as I was in search for a bathing suit. Until really recently, I was never much of a water person. I am very much a mountain lover. I have grown to appreciate the peace that looking out at an infinite body of water brings me. I discovered this last year on a birthday trip for a friend in Miami. Twice I got to venture out on the beach, run barefoot through the cool sand, look out at ships coming in, and storms brewing. A calmness came over me. I fantasized about doing a photo shoot on the beach in my sexy two piece, with a pretty flower in my hair, to celebrate the woman I was becoming. Yes, I know it sounds kinda corny, but I let my mind drift in this direction from time to time. I decided this summer would be my breakout summer. Perfect body or not, I was getting my two piece! After some discussion with my husband, because I value his opinion, I decided I was going to do it.

I thought the search would be easy, but it was anything but. I'm not really a unique body type...well sort of. Without going into much detail I have been very blessed in some areas and it's been a challenge finding a flattering top that was sexy, but modest, and offered support. I went to so many department stores in search of the perfect suit. One girl working in Lane Bryant actually kinda laughed at me when I came in. While I am considered plus size, I am short. I have a small band size with a full chest. And the smallest band size they had was 40, which just wouldn't do. I went to Dillard"s and tried on what felt like 100 tops just to be disappointed every single time. It was soooooo discouraging. While I love my shape, clothing doesn't always seem to love it. Trying on any type of clothing most times leaves me feeling a bit defeated because certain things that look great on the rack, look a hot mess on me. I was about to just settle into the reality that I would always have to wear an ill fitting suit or a t-shirt and shorts to the pool or beach. No matter how much weight I lose, I would still have this bust problem (because I never really seem to lose much in that area). But then....it happened. A running buddy of mine gave me a gift card to TJ Maxx for my birthday. Now, I never really shop at TJ Maxx, and I don't know why. It just never occurred to me to ever go there. So I went in one day, it looked like a decent store. I spotted a new waist belt for my phone, picked that up. Then, I spotted a few cute little suits. Just knowing that the outcome would be the same, I reluctantly went into the dressing room and tried them on. Low and behold, one of the tops actually looked okay! It wasn't a perfect fit, but when I put on the bottoms and made a few adjustments, I actually felt pretty cute! I have been blessed with the notorious mommy belly some of us are prone to have after birth, a little sagging pooch that just hangs around no matter how many abdominal exercises I do. However, I still felt confident in the suit, and I decided I would wear it to swimming lessons. I like how my new top crosses in the back. I like how my arms look (I am working on getting my "Angela Bassett's" back, as my husband calls them) , and the girls aren't flopping around all over the place! Finally, it was a win for me in the swimsuit department!


Now let me tell you, I have seen people (men and women) letting it all hang out without any shame, so surely, I would be ooooookaaayyyyy! I always wondered where that confidence came from. Now that I am older, I am thinking the "I don't give a damn" attitude comes with age, lol. While I don't think I will have time before the Summer is out to prance around the beach with a flower in my hair, at least I can hang out at the indoor pool, and feel pretty confident not only about my body but my newly developed swimming abilities. It's just so fitting how the 2016 Olympics in Rio are going on right now, and people are talking about the young African American ladies dominating in gymnastics and swimming. People have been raving about them, but people have been attacking their images too. I can only imagine being on the world stage, how difficult this criticism must be for them and yet they push on, defying the odds. No one is talking about my body or my hair on social media. In fact, no one probably even gives my body a second thought. However, it's so hard not to internalize societal stereotypical standards and feel like you have to fit in a certain mold to be able to do this, or wear that. Putting on that bathing suit helped me to feel more positive about myself and the hard work I put into making this body work for me. So, I look back at myself in the mirror, and my reflection says, "Oh, hell yes!", and then I walk away... in full beast mode!

Weight loss: I have lost 3 lbs since the last journal entry! Woo hoo!