Chapter 36: Help Me Maintain

36...I am 36. I am over the hump and now closer to 40 than 30. Though that may sound frightening to some people, I am truly embracing this part of my life journey. I am normally pretty low keyed about most things in my life. I don't require much to make me happy, at least in my opinion. Yet, when my birthday comes around, I am a bit obnoxious. I try to really celebrate me, which usually is a week long celebration of doing things that make me happy. I love my birthday. As I get older it becomes less about partying and more about reflecting and appreciating. I made it to 36. A lot of people don't. I am healthy. I have people in my circle who love me as much as I love them. I am employed, fairly gainfully. In the past few months, I lost site of these things. I let stress overcome me, and it took a toll on me physically and mentally. My friend Dee, who relocated to Orlando about 3 yrs ago, asked me what I was going to do for my birthday, and she considered coming up to Charlotte to help me celebrate. I thought about it, then I got the bright idea to go to her. I have several ties to Orlando. I went to Physical Therapy School there. It is home to the happiest place on Earth! It had been 12 years since I graduated. I had only been back once since that time, and that was the same year I graduated. I talked with my husband and told him how much I wanted to go, and found a cheap flight with Allegiant Airlines (which was pretty good, I must say), and started to plan my short exit from reality for a few days. I needed to get in a space by myself. I had lost site of some things, and sometimes it takes removing yourself from situations in order to truly evaluate them from an objective, non-emotional perspective.

My birthday celebration started on a Thursday, with me going out with some very awesome women that I run with locally. I don't think I have told them this, but running with them is truly a joy. Even if we don't do it as often as we would like, I appreciate everything they have brought to my life. Running is therapy, especially when you do it with people that fill your cup.




Friday, I went to work early and left early so I could catch my little over an hour long flight to Orlando, well Sanford to be exact, which is only about 30 minutes from Orlando, depending on where you wanna go. I rented a car because I wanted to be free to explore without interrupting anyone else's schedule, and it is rare that I get to drive without little people in the car yelling over toys or who touched who. I typically do not enjoy driving, especially in heavy traffic, but it was truly relaxing. My first stop was to my friend Dee's home. We enjoyed plenty of girl talk. We went to a cool seafood restaurant called Hot and Juicy, where I drowned myself in big, cajun boiled shrimp and sausage. I also got free birthday brownies to die for.

Saturday, after a wild and crazy night( not really), I woke my butt up and went for a 2 mile run/walk around the hood. If you have never had the pleasure of feeling Orlando Heat, let me describe it to you...it is like being in a steam room turned up to 1000 degrees. The humidity had my kinky hair shriveled up tight, and my skin was relentlessly glossy. However, it was a great run and at least made me feel less guilty about sinking my teeth into a scrumptious breakfast at Keke's in Winter Park. This breakfast was enjoyable more so for the company. My best friend Renea, my former roomie Kim, and a dear coworker who relocated to Florida last year, Cheryl, drove up to see me. I make it a point to only surround myself with good people. I have always been a good judge of character, and each of these ladies (Dee included) are jewels. I had not seen Kim since I graduated, and her beautiful daughter Adrienne greeted me with a warm hug, even though she had never met me. It was a great fellowship and my heart was beaming.

Later that Saturday, I checked into what I call a fancy hotel...the Renaissance Orlando at SeaWorld. I only budgeted one night at this hotel, which when you add 22.00/day to park and a 25.00/day resort fee, that can add up. It was worth it though! Even though there were loads of families there, kids running crazy, I was oblivious to their presence. I just soaked up the atmosphere. It is not the nicest hotel I have been in, but it is beautiful. I had a nice cozy king suite, big enough for two. My first few minutes alone in the room was spent taking a million selfies. Then I danced around shamelessly naked to my favorite birthday song by India Arie, "Private Party" before dressing to go sit by the pool. And sit is what I did. Sitting is something I rarely do given the nature of my job as a PT, and it felt sooooo good. My magazine and drink in hand, just chillin'.

Saturday night was spent at Disney Springs. Now, this place is cool if you are ballin' on a budget, without kids. I did not want to go to any theme parks without first going with my sons. But I also wanted to experience the magic and fun that is Disney. It was very crowded, but if you go you will see why. It is loaded with a million shops and themed restaurants to fit everyone's taste and budget. You can see cool displays and hear great live entertainment. I was not feeling that great that night, and as I was walking back towards the entrance and an artist by the name of Evan Taylor Jones caught my attention, with his guitar. So I sat with the crowd and listened to his John Legend inspired voice and great acoustic guitar skills. It soothed my soul and warmed my heart as I saw a few couples dancing away. That night when I returned to my room, I rolled around in that awesome king sized bed fit for a queen, and thanked God for the opportunity to be right in that place, at that time in my life.

The gratitude did not stop Sunday morning. Again I thanked the most high. I got myself ready to go down to the gym and had an awesome workout. This time I dipped my legs in the pool afterwards, read my magazine poolside,and listened to music in the blazing sun. I even got a tan! lol. Just taking it all in. Just thankful. Relaxed. Oh, how I did not want leave! I did manage to get my check out time extended with no additional charge, which gave me some time to just sit in my room and listen to music. One of the songs that came on was by this young gospel artist named Jonathan McReynolds. I like a majority of the music I have heard from him. There is this one song, "Help Me Maintain" that spoke life to me. I sat in my room, trying to figure out how can I take the peace I felt that moment with me everyday. My faith had waxed and waned since my dad died, and I think I am finally reconciling my feelings with God. I realized that it was important that I just take time out each day to be grateful and to reflect on His word...which I have shied away from doing over the last few months. So many things had transpired over the weekend that confirmed my need to draw closer to God in times of anxiety and stress. "Help me Maintain" is now my mantra. If I can't think of anything else to ask God, this will definitely be my plea.

I later took a ride back out to Disney Springs to see what it was like in the daytime, and take better pictures. It was beautiful, but again, the forecast was Hell with a chance of Oven-Roasted. I took a quick boat ride and took in the scene, feeling a little bit of the magic that makes Disney known world wide. I soon headed over to the University of Central Florida. I had not stepped foot on campus since I graduated 12 years ago. Although some of it has changed, a lot remains the same. I managed to find the building I spent nearly ever waking hour of my life in for almost two and a half years. If I wasn't there, I was working one of my part time jobs, or at Barnes And Noble studying into the wee hours. I was not prepared for how emotional I would get when I saw my picture on the Graduate Wall of Fame. To see the classes that had graduated before us, and the many that have graduated after us was amazing! The program has grown so much and it makes me proud to be a Knight (although I am still a GSU Eagle for life!) I met so many awesome people in the program. We were family. Our class was so diverse, and I am happy that I can keep connected with many of them through social media.

Lastly, I headed to my best friend Renea's home for the night. She always gets me rollin'. If she was a Golden Girl, she would be Sophia. Always a snappy comeback. Seeing my Godsons made me smile. They are all legs and one is at least an inch taller than me at 12 years old! Heading back home, I just reflected and continued to thank God; thankful to have a beautiful family that was happy to see me and missed me while I was gone. I recently read a quote, "Conserve your energy for your own self interests. That's not selfish, that's essential". I met people, men and women, who were surprised that my husband "let" me go on a trip on my own. Many things came to my mind when I heard that. I am not a feminist, but I am definitely not one who feels the need to ask my husband for permission to take a trip by myself. He takes trips. I take trips. We take trips. The status of my marriage does not hinge on whether we vacation together. When I returned, I was greeted by smiling faces and to thank my hubby for holding down the house, I treated him and my youngest son to breakfast. Since taking this trip, I feel at least for now I am in a better place as a wife, mother, employee, and person. When I start to lose sight of that, I will whisper to the Heavens, "Lord, Help me maintain". You discover so much about yourself when you spend time with yourself. I think every woman should travel solo at least once a year, if not just to recharge, but to fully discover the person you are. It truly is a beautiful thing.

Also, don't forget to take advantage of all the birthday freebies during your birthday month...so far I have had a free burrito, free ice cream, free cookie, free sub, and free wings. Don't worry, I am not going to eat all of this by myself...I still have goals! lol

The Shame Game

I haven't done a blog entry in a few weeks. It wasn't because I was super busy...I stay busy. I am a busy person. I don't know how not to be busy. So, no,I can't use that excuse. Honestly, I was sort of avoiding doing the blog. Mostly because I didn't want to admit my failures. However, I realized that it is a disservice to myself to not be truthful with myself. If I can't look at myself without a filter, how can I be of help to someone else with the same struggle? I have been participating in a book study based on Stasi Eldredge's book "Becoming Myself: Embracing God's Dream of You". To be honest, I am not crazy about the book so far. She is being very candid about her life, but her style of writing leaves much to be desired. However, I can relate to her struggles with weight. There is one quote in the book that really resonated with me, "First, shame is not an agent of change". I actually said this out loud a few times until I ingrained it in my soul. How can I continue to grow and get past my weight struggles if I continue to fall into a cycle of shame and self pity when I don't always eat as I should, or work out as hard as I should? I won't win if I keep purposely trying to defeat myself. I am not that person. I am an overcomer in life. I always have been, and always will be. My slip ups don't define who I am as a person. They just show that I am human.

Up until this week, my weight has been stagnant. And, well, that sucks. It's no one's fault but my own. I got too comfortable and allowed myself too much leeway. I have been training pretty hard for my upcoming half marathon, which means I am always hungry. Yet, I didn't always fuel myself properly, which is why my weight did not move. I felt there was no point in documenting my journey if I was going down the wrong road. Sometime last week I woke up and made the decision that win or lose, lose or gain, I am going to love myself how I am at this moment. If I don't start really embracing where I am now, I won't be able to sustain when I get to where I want to be. My husband and I recently had a conversation about body image and women. He said women put so much pressure to be something that we never asked you all to be. He likes me the size I am now, and when I recently wore a dress I hadn't worn in 3 yrs(when I was 37 lbs lighter) he said I looked better now in the dress, than I did back then. While I appreciate his love for all my thickness, I know I have to get to MY happy. This happiness starts from the inside and manifests itself out. There are so many things that play into my happiness, and it's not just my satisfaction with my body. When I embrace poor habits, it's a reflection of how I feel about a lot of things that aren't necessarily going my way in life. Most days I really like myself, who I am and what I look like. It's not enough to like myself. I am going to have this body for the rest of my life. I need to learn to love it, in any condition, but love it enough to always desire to take care of it the best I can.

Me, 37lbs or so ago...150 lbs

Me,a couple weeks ago at 187. A little thicker, but still cute, lol. And yes, that is the same dress!


So this week, I have been successful. As a way to prepare for my up coming race, I decided to re-dedicate myself to healthier eating. This is hard. It's very hard. Finding balance is such a challenge. I have asked for guidance from my higher power and strength, because I can't do this on my strength alone. Just by kicking up my protein, limiting sugars, drinking loads of water, and starting the day with, "I love the you that you are TODAY", I have noticed changes externally and internally. The one thing I have learned in the 5 years that I have actively been on this healthy journey, is that the roads may change, but the destination is always the same. I can't let shame keep me from reaching my destiny. Shame is counterproductive. Most days I just really have to ask myself, do I want instant gratification or long term results? I may not make the right decisions all the time. As a matter of fact, I am already planning my cheat day during my trip to New York. But I am running 13.1 miles, and I am going to enjoy my meals the hours after the race, but get back on track as soon as it is over. I have several accountability groups to convict me of my decisions, and I'm even leading a fitness/bible study challenge in one of those groups for the month of October. For now, my main goal is to love the me I am now, and keep my eyes looking toward the me I want to be. There will be no shame in my game. Embracing the fluidity of "me", and knowing that I am not stagnant or inflexible is a pretty reassuring thing.

Image is Everything!

So, I was recently looking at myself, as I do many days. I have been really trying to challenge myself to pick out the positives about my body instead of falling into the self loathing trap that leaves me wanting to cry some days when I don't feel I look my best. This challenge came about at the beginning of the summer as I was in search for a bathing suit. Until really recently, I was never much of a water person. I am very much a mountain lover. I have grown to appreciate the peace that looking out at an infinite body of water brings me. I discovered this last year on a birthday trip for a friend in Miami. Twice I got to venture out on the beach, run barefoot through the cool sand, look out at ships coming in, and storms brewing. A calmness came over me. I fantasized about doing a photo shoot on the beach in my sexy two piece, with a pretty flower in my hair, to celebrate the woman I was becoming. Yes, I know it sounds kinda corny, but I let my mind drift in this direction from time to time. I decided this summer would be my breakout summer. Perfect body or not, I was getting my two piece! After some discussion with my husband, because I value his opinion, I decided I was going to do it.

I thought the search would be easy, but it was anything but. I'm not really a unique body type...well sort of. Without going into much detail I have been very blessed in some areas and it's been a challenge finding a flattering top that was sexy, but modest, and offered support. I went to so many department stores in search of the perfect suit. One girl working in Lane Bryant actually kinda laughed at me when I came in. While I am considered plus size, I am short. I have a small band size with a full chest. And the smallest band size they had was 40, which just wouldn't do. I went to Dillard"s and tried on what felt like 100 tops just to be disappointed every single time. It was soooooo discouraging. While I love my shape, clothing doesn't always seem to love it. Trying on any type of clothing most times leaves me feeling a bit defeated because certain things that look great on the rack, look a hot mess on me. I was about to just settle into the reality that I would always have to wear an ill fitting suit or a t-shirt and shorts to the pool or beach. No matter how much weight I lose, I would still have this bust problem (because I never really seem to lose much in that area). But then....it happened. A running buddy of mine gave me a gift card to TJ Maxx for my birthday. Now, I never really shop at TJ Maxx, and I don't know why. It just never occurred to me to ever go there. So I went in one day, it looked like a decent store. I spotted a new waist belt for my phone, picked that up. Then, I spotted a few cute little suits. Just knowing that the outcome would be the same, I reluctantly went into the dressing room and tried them on. Low and behold, one of the tops actually looked okay! It wasn't a perfect fit, but when I put on the bottoms and made a few adjustments, I actually felt pretty cute! I have been blessed with the notorious mommy belly some of us are prone to have after birth, a little sagging pooch that just hangs around no matter how many abdominal exercises I do. However, I still felt confident in the suit, and I decided I would wear it to swimming lessons. I like how my new top crosses in the back. I like how my arms look (I am working on getting my "Angela Bassett's" back, as my husband calls them) , and the girls aren't flopping around all over the place! Finally, it was a win for me in the swimsuit department!


Now let me tell you, I have seen people (men and women) letting it all hang out without any shame, so surely, I would be ooooookaaayyyyy! I always wondered where that confidence came from. Now that I am older, I am thinking the "I don't give a damn" attitude comes with age, lol. While I don't think I will have time before the Summer is out to prance around the beach with a flower in my hair, at least I can hang out at the indoor pool, and feel pretty confident not only about my body but my newly developed swimming abilities. It's just so fitting how the 2016 Olympics in Rio are going on right now, and people are talking about the young African American ladies dominating in gymnastics and swimming. People have been raving about them, but people have been attacking their images too. I can only imagine being on the world stage, how difficult this criticism must be for them and yet they push on, defying the odds. No one is talking about my body or my hair on social media. In fact, no one probably even gives my body a second thought. However, it's so hard not to internalize societal stereotypical standards and feel like you have to fit in a certain mold to be able to do this, or wear that. Putting on that bathing suit helped me to feel more positive about myself and the hard work I put into making this body work for me. So, I look back at myself in the mirror, and my reflection says, "Oh, hell yes!", and then I walk away... in full beast mode!

Weight loss: I have lost 3 lbs since the last journal entry! Woo hoo!

New Adventures at 35

Recently, I celebrated my 35th birthday. It was easily ranked in my top 3 of Greatest Birthdays, along with my 16th (which was a surprise Sweet Sixteen) and 30th (a trip to Italy with friends). I decided this would be the year of new adventures and not limiting myself from exposure to different things due to fear. I have always led a pretty straight and narrow life. Never got suspended, made pretty good grades, involved in my school and community, etc. etc. I lived this way all of my life but realized around the time I turned 30 that I had never really lived. I didn't even put permanent color in my hair until I was 30! I had always been an old person in a sense, trapped in a young person's body. I accelerated through undergraduate school faster than most because I was so busy with my head in the books rather than peaking to see what everyone else was doing in the clouds. It wasn't until I started running, right before I turned 30, that I realized there really was so much more to life, than just living right. Life is also about living well, and living well is defined differently for different people.

Running, if you allow it to, can really open doors to new experiences and new people. It is not by any means a cheap sport. If you are serious about running, chances are you've been in a race or two, and race entry fees alone are comparable to a household utility bill. However, running has afforded me the ability to meet driven people with various fitness interest and life aspirations. Had I not become a runner, I might not have had the opportunities to travel like I have, though I have so much more traveling to do. I might not have developed my new interest for swimming as a way to help me with my endurance, as I am currently taking swimming lessons. Most importantly, I might not have discovered the outer AND inner strength I possess, a courage and perseverance that has surprised me many times over past 5 years that I have been a runner. Running has definitely taught me you have to push through certain things in life, and see them through to the finish. The work is hard but the reward is always sweet. I decided to zip line as a way to celebrate my new found fearlessness that running has unleashed. I found that once you take the first leap on the zip line, the other leaps weren't so bad. You'd never know that though if you didn't try.

Given the current events of the world right now, you realize that life is too short and too precious to sit around thinking about what you wanna do. You just gotta get up and do it, and if it seems impossible you find a way to make it possible. Nothing really is out of our reach. But you can't sit on your butt and hope the stars will fall in your lap, you gotta reach for them. So, I have got a few things in line for this next year as I am trying to get back to my happy weight of 150 lbs (currently I am 188). Here's a list of a few things I am doing:

1. Revamping my healthy eating plan, including adding 5 smaller meals throughout the day that are protein packed. It's extremely hard to do this considering my job is one in which I barely get time to eat lunch, never mind fitting in a snack during the day. However, it can be done.

2. Adding tea to the start of my day to just kick start my metabolism.

3. I definitely want to do more of these dreadfully expensive destination races, with my eyes already set on Rock N Roll Brooklyn Half this October. I would also love to do a couple in the mid west and west coast.I usually try to pick places that are close to family or friends to spare some expense.

4. I want to get back into skating. I recently went skating after having not been on skates in 5 years, and though I really suck at it, I wasn't the suckiest person out there. Skating is a great work out, and I actually taught myself in college how to roller blade. I also think this is a great activity for me and my oldest son to do, because he's always begging me to take him skating.

5. I want to become a great swimmer and I am on my way to at least becoming good enough that the lifeguards won't have to be on standby to do CPR on me. My technique is not the best, but I am moving from one end of the pool to the other and right now that is all I care about.

6. Hike more. I've gotten into hiking at a local mountain. I absolutely love it and it is a completely different workout than running. I plan to incorporate these hikes at least once a month in my fitness plan.

I want to live my life continuing to be the best person I can be, and enjoy life along the way! I don't have to be a size 2 to do that, but I do want to be in my best health so that I enjoy life to the fullest. It's the saddest thing to see young people who are too unhealthy to enjoy life with their peers because they made poor life choices, and didn't know they were worth more. I am getting older but Lord knows I am ready to finally live. I've also learned at 35 you don't have to wait around for others to get to where you want to be. Sure, I love bringing people along my journey full of adventures. However, everything ain't for everybody. I've learned to celebrate with or without an audience, and it helps that naturally I am an introvert. So I am cool doing things by myself, although it's nice to have company every now and then.

Well, now that I've got my goals in writing. It is time to put them into action. Stay tuned...

The Return

I consider myself a fairly spiritual person. I sometimes daydream about my ideal Heaven. Ideally, I would love to dwell eternally in a place where I could see every person I ever loved and lost. I would also love to live in a land filled with my unlimited food favorites and never have to worry about gaining a pound. It sounds crazy, I know, but what else could be more perfect? On Earth, I spend day in and day out consumed with what I eat, how much I eat, and why I eat what I eat. It's frustrating, and at times discouraging because there are days I know I could do better and I don't. The weird thing is, I'm actually bored with food right now. Nothing is really appetizing to me. I eat food that tastes good, but it's not always what I really want.

Since I gave birth to my second son two years ago, this weight loss journey has been harder this time around. I will do really well with my eating one day, then suck at it the next day. It's been a while since my last journal entry, but the last two years have been challenging with our newest addition as he faced many health obstacles. I, too, had some health issues and underwent hernia repair surgery. I also had to get an extensive evaluation of my heart to make sure it was working correctly. Thankfully, today, both my son and I are doing well. I continued to work out through it all, because working out is why I don't throat punch people on a daily basis (ha, ha, just kidding but not really). I even managed to run 2 half marathons within these last two years. Though I was finally able to get back under 200 lbs, I am still far from where I need to be, and I know that has to do with my eating habits.

I am notorious for starting some things and not finishing them. It's weird but there are things I pour myself into, like learning how to swim. Yet, when it comes to food, I just can't seem to get meal planning down consistently. I really don't like to cook. I am too tired most days to cook, and with me being the healthier eater in the house, I'm usually preparing more than one type of meal to satisfy everyone. I know these are terrible excuses, but it's what I am dealing with now. I have toyed with trying the shakeologies, the smoothie diets, etc. etc. No offense to anyone who does these kinds of diets, but I know I couldn't live the rest of my life without real food. I could possibly survive being a vegetarian, but I love seafood and chicken too much to leave them totally behind. I have gone without meat for some time before, and though its not hard for me to do, I don't want to do it full time. The idea of being vegan is great, but again, it's really not for me. I admire people who are devoted to the vegan lifestyle, however. I freakin' love food, and I know there is a way that I can get back to my happy weight and eat some of what I like, some of the time. I recently read a book discussing boundaries with food. Somewhere along the way I overstepped my boundaries. How do I get back to where I was? Why haven't I been able to just eat well and eat right all the time like I used to?


After I got my most recent fitness assessment reality hit me. I discovered the one thing I hadn't been doing is writing about my journey. Blogging was how I started my last journey, and it was how I kept myself accountable aside from joining accountability fitness groups. I was pretty good about writing down what I ate and tracking my physical activity. I didn't want to write down something that I'd be ashamed I ate. It's always good to go back to where you started sometimes to help you get to where you wanna go. So, I am back; I am back to share, back to inspire, back to make you laugh, maybe sometimes make you cry.Some of you may religiously read my wordy blogs. Some of you may just Facebook "like" my post, just because you like me but not really take the time to read them. It's okay, because I do that sometimes, too. Really, this blog is for me, but if I can make an impact on just one other person other than myself, I think that is a major win. Now that I am the ripe old age 35, I feel I've gained some wisdom. I appreciate life more than ever now. My goal is to live a life without ceilings.I want to be a good example for my children so that they can live the same way. The sky is the limit when it comes to being the best me. It's time to return to what I know works for me. Stay tuned...

Pump It Up! Pump It Out!

It's been a very long time since my last entry. There have been many days that I thought to myself, "Hey, you need to start blogging again", but I allowed the redundancy of my days to wear me down, using work, pregnancy, and family as my excuses not to write. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely tired and anyone would be quick to tell you that I probably over did it on many occasions. However, writing about this journey I've been on helps me to stay accountable for my actions when it comes to eating well and staying physically active. There were times (more often than I care to admit) that I fell short with my eating habits, more so toward the end of my pregnancy. None of the eating offenses were anything to really be ashamed about.Yet, I did feel twinges of guilt when I ate more than my fair share of pizza or ice cream in one sitting, even though those around me tried to convince me it was my God-given right as a pregnant woman to eat whatever the hell I liked. I was still trying to work out, getting in weight sessions, pool time and slowly jogging up until about 37 weeks. I even completed a 5K with my coworkers for a charity run, and they were impressed that at 9 months pregnant I dared to hit the pavement. The following week, I decided it was best to start walking.

last 5k

Baby Shower in June

I worked full time fulfilling my physical therapist duties until June 27, 2014,the day before I had my second prince, Thaddeus. He was three days overdue! I probably would have kept working until he eventually fell out. I had a very good pregnancy and birth experience, for the most part, which I attribute to staying physically active. I was able to have a vaginal birth this time around, which many doctors don't like to attempt after a woman has had a cesarean birth. I did gain much more weight than I wanted to. I can't blame Thaddeus. He only made up about 5lbs and 13 oz of the weight I gained. A lot of the weight was fluid, because I did swell up a lot toward the end of the nearly 10 months of pregnancy. I also had something going on with my liver, brought about by the pregnancy. The liver complication prompted the doctor to get the ball rolling with my labor( which is an adventure I will share with you all at another time). However, I would say about 15% of the weight I gained was due to unhealthy habits. The evidence would become clearer after I had the baby, when all the swelling quickly disappeared and my stomach dwindled down, thankfully due to one of the great benefits of breast feeding. Now, you're probably going to think I'm crazy, but right now I have sort of this love/hate relationship with my post pregnancy body. The pluses: 1. I am much smaller post pregnancy this time around than I was with my first baby. 2. I am quite proud of my milky boobs. Not only are they fuller, but they allow my child to sustain life, and I am amazed that I am capable of lactating. 3. I didn't gain any more stretch marks than I did the first pregnancy. The minuses: 1. My muffin top is back. 2. I gained weight in my arms, and my arms were my pride and joy this time last year. 3. There are only two pairs of pants I can fit right now( thank God for maxi-dresses and support garments)/mP8j6Mon9qI/s320/baby+004.jpg" />

HOLY CRAP!!!

Well, when I first found out I was pregnant again back in December, I had every intention of regularly blogging about my experience with this pregnancy while trying to stay in the best shape as possible. No, really I did, lol.

But, life as always, has gotten in the way. I am beating myself up for not chronicling this pregnancy experience as much as I should have, and trust me it has been quite an experience. Let me say that currently I am about 25 weeks and 3 days. For the most part, physically, I feel pretty good. I have been able to continue with my workout routine, though modified, about 4 days a week. I manage to squeeze in short run/walks in between getting off work and picking my son up from After-school care, and I try to go to the gym to do my free weight routine twice a week. I get very upset when I don't leave work on time because it messes up my whole workout regimen. Although I can take my son to the gym with me, he is now in kindergarten and once I pick him up, I like to go home immediately so we can work on his homework (he doesn't have much, but I create work for him because I want him to be successful), get him fed and in the bed at a decent time. I don't want my work out routine to take away from the precious few hours I have with him in a day. I am still leading my small Sunday run group, though I'm more like leading from the back of the pack these days.I am sooooo slow, which was to be expected. I'm walking more than running, but I discovered I am a pretty good speed walker. However, I had no idea this new little booger would slow me down so much so early on. Things in general, are going rather smooth with this pregnancy. Everyday I thank God for every little squirm or kick. I feel sooo blessed!

Well...let me tell you what I was not prepared for, or more like what I forgot about since my last full term pregnancy, nearly seven years ago. Sorry if this is TMI for some folks!

1. I forgot that I would NEVER find a comfortable position to sleep in, hence why I basically fall into a coma the moment I put my son down for bed. I am used to operating on 4-6 hours of sleep, but my sleep is very sporadic and it drives me CRAAZY!!! Driving 30 minutes to work is a nightmare, because I am so groggy. I toss and turn every night, which has been sooo much fun for my husband, too!

2. I don't feel like I have that motherly glow at all this time! I just feel greasy! I'm a few years older this time and my skin has drastically changed. My skin was never flawless, but at the beginning of this pregnancy, I broke out horribly! My regular skin routine was not working anymore. Finally, I think I have found a solution to controlling my breakouts (shouts out to the people that make Black Soap and Astringent). I'm not having nearly as many pimples since I started using the new products.

3. Glorious hair this time...eh, not so much! At the beginning, my hair was so friggin dry, no matter how much I conditioned it. With David, my hair was so healthy, shiny and thick from the beginning, it didn't even shed after I had him. Finally, it is starting to grow how I want it to. I am considering trying hair extensions towards the end, so I can have fabulous post-partum pics. This time I will have a better photographer (Sorry mom, but the pictures of me breastfeeding after birth were not very flattering!)

4. ALL I DO IS PEE! When you're pregnant, you just don't walk to the bathroom anymore, you dart in your fastest waddle. The bathrooms at work are few and far between, and I will claw your eyes out it you dare beat me to the toilet and you saw me struggling down the hall. It's especially fun when you're outside in the middle of a run, and oops, there is no bathroom available. My darling son's favorite hang out is right on my bladder. Twice, I have gotten into very compromising situations outdoors. Let's just say I'm so glad North Carolina has a lot of trees!

5. I'm not just all bump...I'm a whole lot of boobs and hips now too! I was already overweight when I had my last son. This time I started off much smaller, but it seems like I grew out of my regular clothes and undergarments much faster. This is frustrating for a naturally curvy girl. I can't just walk into a store and pick something out and leave. Some things are too wide in the hips but not enough thigh room, or vice versa. And just because they put that ginormous expandable band around maternity pants does not make them "One Size Fits All". Trying on maternity clothes turns into an all day affair because for one, I get short of breath taking off and putting on clothes, and two, I ALWAYS HAVE TO PEE!

6. I had no idea how quickly I would lose the muscle I gained. With David, I had no muscle at all, so I didn't care. But I had worked so hard to get toned prior to getting pregnant again. Even though I am still doing light weights, I have lost some definition. I keep telling myself, I WILL GET MY ANGELA BASSETT ARMS BACK, and my booty too, for that matter!

7. SMELLS! Particularly my husband's. Last pregnancy, I hated his smell, this time I can't get enough of it, go figure! Oh, and when you work in a hospital, smells are your enemy! Enough said...

8. EMOTIONS...I was already an emotional person anyway, now I feel extremely emotional, more so than the last pregnancy. I do have to remember, A LOT has happened to me over the last 2-3 years that would send even a non-pregnant person into an emotional breakdown. I can't tell you enough, how much I miss my dad or still wonder about the baby I lost. There are times tears will fall, and I don't know why. But, I allow myself one good cry a day, and I keep on pushing! I am also a bit more sarcastic and feisty, so I have to keep my attitude in check before I get myself in trouble!

9. My doctor is getting on my nerves! LOL...nooo, I really love him, but if he tells me I am gaining too much weight one more time...I don't know what else to do. I do give in to the occasional craving, but for the most part I still eat pretty well and I am still active. I just gain weight fast, DARN IT! Curse that stupid scale! I am just grateful that I am still under 200 lbs this time around. Last time I went up to 250...never again!

10. Did I mention, I love being pregnant? There are so many crazy things that are happening inside of my body right now. I'm sleepy, cranky, fat, greasy, and slow, but I'm really loving it all. This will most likely be my last pregnancy. I'm not one of those crazy people that will try and try until I have a little girl. I've accepted my fate, that I am going to be the mother of two boys, and I actually kinda like that I'm going to be Queen B of the household. My husband thinks I'm spoiled anyway, and I couldn't handle another female taking all my attention away! lol

BUT HOLY CRAP!!! What type of car seat should I get? You mean, I can't just strap him down in the back with duck tape? Diapers? I forgot how to change the kid! You mean I have to actually feed it, it can't feed itself? Up every two hours? I ain't ready for that! Baby Shower vs Baby Sprinkle? What the what? Tune in guys, the next few months are going to be very interesting...

New Life

This was my 2013 in a nutshell: Celebrated two unions under God, sent my son off to Kindergarten, laid my dad to rest, had a miscarriage the same week I buried my dad, found out I was pregnant again!

RECORD SCRATCHES! BIRDS FALL OUT OF THE SKY! THE ROCK RAISES AN EYEBROW! SAY WHAT?!!!

2013 Has been probably the most pivotal year of all my 32 years on Earth to say the least. Of course there were some things I would rather not have happened, but I know that everything happens for a reason that only God initially knows the outcome to, and the best and only thing to do is accept the things you cannot change and pray your way through these changes.

Let's talk about this kid for a minute. I was recently talking to a friend who asked me if I was going to do this big announcement on Facebook about my pregnancy, like many exuberant mothers do. At first, I was very afraid to do this. As I said, I just recently lost a baby, and I also witnessed other women that I work with lose their babies close to term and it was heartbreaking to watch them go through this kind of pain. This pregnancy was reminiscent of my first, having conceived my son after the lost of my beloved Grandfather. The Circle of Life is real, ya'll! The fact that I got pregnant so soon after the miscarriage continues to be a mystery to me. When I went to the doctor, I thought I was only 8 weeks along. Whoa to my surprise, I was actually 11 weeks! I nearly had a full grown kid in there and didn't even know it! So today, as I was lying in bed just thinking and crying and praying as I tend to do with my emotional self these days, I decided that this is my joy to share! I don't know what the outcome will be, but right now there is an actual life growing inside me. How do I know? Well, at the time I am writing this I am currently approaching 15 weeks of pregnancy. I can actual feel my baby! I know some of you might think I'm crazy, that it's too early. However, I've been through this experience before. I can distinctly remember the difference between gas and flutters, and these miracle moments started for me at 13 weeks. They get stronger and more frequent with each day. The movements were especially strong when I recently went to the Charlie Wilson concert, lol. I don't know if my baby was jammin' in there or scared to death, but something was definitely stirring in my womb.

I'll tell you one thing, this pregnancy is definitely different. Thankfully, I haven't had any bad episodes of morning sickness but I am sooooo tired these days and not extremely motivated. This scares me, as I have already gained ten pounds and my eating habits have been less than healthy. I allowed myself Christmas week to take a hiatus from all things healthy. I'm not sure if this was the right thing to do, but instead of falling into the severe guilt trip over eating stuff I know I shouldn't be eating, I decided to spare myself some of the grief and deal with the consequences later. I've been in a little funk over the holidays, and I won't deny that I've used a few holiday treats to de-stress. However, the damage is not nearly as severe as it could have been. I could be that mom who makes excuses for eating everything in sight, and say I'm eating for two, but the fact is I have been eating to satisfy my own carnal desires. I'm working my way through this time because I have surrounded myself with too many positive people to get into a deep funk. My husband has been very patient with me even though I've flipped on him several times (it can only get better the next 6 months or so, right?)My son has been extremely sweet and is so excited to be a big brother (he's told his whole class, smh) My parents and friends have been very supportive, and they push me to rest, even though I feel I should be up doing something. Yet when the body says, "Sit yo' arse down!" sometimes that is what you have to do. I know that this period of low energy only lasts a short while during pregnancy (at least until the very end) so I'm taking it easy, or slowing it down at least. For those of you who do follow my blog, you now can look forward to posts about how I am going to try to maintain a healthy, pregnant lifestyle over the next few months.

I truly hope that this blog entry helps someone who feels like they've been through hell and back. I have my moments of sadness, of darkness, of gloom. You have to allow yourself these moments, but I really try not to wallow in self pity. I allow these moments to pass, and keep it moving the best I can because I do have some really good things in life to look forward to. Moving on is very scary, though. I recently told my husband that 2014 scares me. I feel like I've lost so much in 2013, and moving on to the new year means facing a new year without my Daddy. The reality has just really set in. I've had to accept the fact that he is no longer on this side. I've equally accepted that the miscarriage had to happen for whatever reason. I recently read somewhere that when you have a miscarriage, and you have a healthy pregnancy afterwards, that baby is called a "rainbow" baby. How appropriate...God reveals rainbows after the rain, a covenant of peace between the world and the Creator. I'm looking forward to new life blooming after the storm. So somebody pass me the sparkling grape juice...It's time to ring in 2014!

Blessings to you all...love Sanpri and "Peanut" Porter (due June 25, 2014)

Breaking(or Loosening) Every Chain

It has been two months since I lost my daddy and had a miscarriage. Oddly enough, I've come to terms with the miscarriage. Because of another health issue I have(which is not life threatening, and totally fixable), it was best that nature took its course then before something worse happened further along in the pregnancy. Every morning, I do come to a new realization that my daddy is no longer on this Earth. It is a weird feeling because it is like I know he's gone, but every day that goes by that I don't receive a call or text from him, it's like a fresh reminder. It pains me deeply. That pain is very strong Sunday mornings. I usually start my Sunday's off leading my group run of Black Girls Run! ladies, come home, eat breakfast and clean a little bit. Then, I get myself and my son ready for church. My mind begins to float off, and I look at my phone. Prior to Sept 4, I would look forward to hearing from my dad via text or phone call, and he would tell me about how he was getting ready to go to church, too. I can't tell you how many times I still text his phone, looking at his old texts, and waiting for him to text me back. At church, I cry. I long for the message of the day to bring me peace, to help me to refocus on the life that I'm supposed to lead, and not the death of my dad. I feel like when I don't think about him, I will forget him and when I do think about him, I will remember him all to well. It is a perpetual cycle that I'm constantly talking and praying myself through. The chain has been hard to break.

As far as my fitness goals, well I'm on a mission to lose 10 lbs I gained through eating my way through grief and the miscarriage. I'm very grateful to my Sunday running group. I look forward to being around the positive energy these ladies bring around me every week. It helps me to have more reason to wake up on Sundays, the hardest day of the week for me. On October 28th, I began a 30 day challenge to eliminate most dairy, sweets, and caffeine in my life, and committed myself to working out consistently 5 days a week. I'm not working out as intense, because, to be honest, I just don't feel up to killing myself to stay in shape. I just want to feel good. I am training for my 3rd half marathon in December, but my goal is just to finish, and not to set a personal record. I feel kinda like an underachiever, but I'm just tired,emotionally and physically. I need to reboot but I haven't quite figured out how to. No matter how many runs I do, no matter how many pedicures I get, or how many times I go to church, the pain is still there. Yet, I keep pushing. I keep showing up and going through the motions until the wall falls down and the chains are broken. Sometimes, that is all we can do.

"Break Every Chain" by Tasha Cobb was one of my dad's favorite gospel songs. A lovely young lady led the song with the choir singing powerfully behind her at my dad's funeral. The lyrics go, "There is power in the name of Jesus...There is power in the name of Jesus...There is power in the name of Jesus, to break every chain, break every chain, break every chain." I'm not sure what this song meant to my dad personally, but for me it has meant that I have to press forward and cry out. At the moment I do feel bonded by grief, but the hold it has on me gets a little bit lighter when I seek God's presence. I know that some of my readers may not be very religious, or don't consider themselves spiritual. However trust that when you believe in someone higher than you, it gives you the power to move forward. I don't worry about what's going on in the world around me. Of course, I try to stay aware, but I can't worry about what I cannot change. I am working hard to not get stuck in a perpetual cycle of depression, because I am still living. I've got a calling and a purpose that is bigger than my grief. I have to remember that everything I've gone through is still fresh, and that my feelings are appropriate. The strength of my dad (and my mom, who is still here on Earth with me) runs through me. I will get through this period in my life.

The chains aren't broken, but they've loosened up!

Losing and Finding Myself...Again

You might have looked at the title, and said, "Wait a minute, did she start gaining weight again?" Well, yes and no. This month I would have celebrated one year of maintaining my goal weight. This month, I was planning on attending the 2nd Annual Black Girls Run! Race and Conference Weekend here in Charlotte, and I had been writing weekly blogs getting people excited about the organization's weekend events. This month, I was supposed to go to a wedding Labor Day Weekend...but this month, I did not do any of these things. This month I experienced great sadness and loss. This month, I lost my Daddy and my baby.

I am writing this because this is all I know to do right now, and hopefully my story will help someone whose ever been through such hurt. I have lost a lot of people and things in my 32 years of existence. I've lost a sister to mental illness and suicide, I've lost a house to a fire, I've lost all of my grandparents except my two step-grandmothers, and several beloved aunts, uncles, and cousins. If you live long enough, you assuredly will lose something or someone in your life. It is the Circle of Life, according to the Lion King:) I never, however, thought that I could lose so much at one time. My case is not unique. People experience loss all the time; the world is full of stories of incomprehensible pain and despair. My case is only unique to me. Nobody knows my sorrow like I do.

By all accounts the days leading to August 29, 2013 were what I would consider good days. My dad had just celebrated his 62nd birthday, my husband and I just celebrated turning 32, and we got to attend a beautiful wedding in July. I found out I was pregnant with what would have been my second child the second week of August, and although I initially wanted to keep it a secret until I was at least three months along, my husband was so excited! He told everyone he could think of, so I decided to tell people closest to me. His logic was that we needed as much prayer as we could get to protect the baby. I said, you're right, we do! I wasn't really concerned. This time around, I had gotten to a healthy pre-pregnancy weight and I was still quite active, although I had noticed I was getting more fatigued with runs. I was taking prenatal vitamins faithfully, even before I conceived. Like my last pregnancy, it only took me 3 months to get pregnant after stopping contraceptives. I had been concerned that because I was older, it would take longer. Yet, everything seemed to be going as planned. Several days prior to me finding out I was pregnant, I would wake up at the same time in the middle of the night. I attributed it to being pregnant. Little did I know, God was wanting me to really spend time with him. He was preparing me for something.

About a week later, I got some concerning calls from my aunt concerning my dad. He had been in and out of the emergency room, and was sent home because initially they couldn't find anything wrong with him. Later that week, he went to a scheduled doctor's appointment, and because of the severity of his unexplainable pain, was sent to the ER again via ambulance. Subsequently he was admitted. My dad was one of the healthiest persons I knew for the most part. Even though he had smoked and drank in his lifetime, he was faithful about exercising. He was a black belt in martial arts. He was diagnosed with liver disease about 2 years ago, but was managing it and initially we thought he was having some kind of flare up. We were wrong....

I traveled down to Florida to see him by myself the first time. I had to make a 6 hour trip 8 hours due to the fatigue of pregnancy and everyday life, but I needed to see about my dad. When I got there, they were taking him down for a biopsy. He was lethargic and inaudible. I stayed with him that weekend. He was walking and talking, but still in a lot of pain. My aunts and I tried to ask all the questions we could. Before I left to return to North Carolina, I was told it would take a week to get the results. I was concerned, but I didn't fear the worse. I felt like my aunts were going to make sure he got the best care. I called everyday to see about him, some days I could talk to him. Some days, he was too tired to talk, but I told him I loved him, just like I'd always had since I was able to talk. We got the initial diagnosis the following week: Anaplastic Large Cell Carcinoma, stage 3. I've never heard of this, except that it was a form of non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. The MD assured us that because of the type he had, even though it was in it's late stages, it was treatable with chemo. The following week, he got the catheter placed in him to start chemo, and this is when everything went completely south. Somehow, my dad's kidneys started to fail. The lymph nodes apparently became so enlarged that they were blocking his arteries to his kidneys, his belly was so swollen he could not breathe, and they were concerned about his airway. He was developing infections. I, being the closest next of kin, had to make life or death decisions for him via phone while I was at work trying to take care of other sick people. I wasn't ready for this. God, I wasn't ready...

Fast forward to the Thursday before Labor day: August 29th, My first ultrasound appointment. My husband and I tried to get excited, even though the state of my dad's health loomed over us. We get there, expecting to hear a heartbeat, only to be told by a very experienced ultrasound tech(the same one who showed me David's heartbeat nearly six years ago)that although it was apparent I had been pregnant, there was blood in the gestational sac, and I was about to miscarry. Our hearts began to sink, and all we could do was embrace. "Could this really be happening? Are we losing our baby? Am I losing my dad?" I had told my aunts I was pregnant, because I wanted to give my dad something to fight for. He was so full of life. He loved David so much. He would be excited to hear about another baby. Now, we were being told, it is not meant to be. I couldn't tell my aunts about this now. With the exception of our parents and friends, I told no one about the miscarriage. We were still holding out hope. The cruel thing about the process of miscarriage, is that you still initially feel the pregnancy symptoms. Then slowly, they start to disappear. I now had to refocus on my dad, and pray that nature would not take it's course inside of me until he was out of the woods.

Instead of heading to Myrtle Beach for a wedding Labor Day weekend, we headed down to see my dad. When I got there, I soon discovered that his condition had drastically changed. He had to be heavily sedated because he was in so much pain, he had tubes down his throat to help him breath and provide nutrition. He was swollen and on dialysis 24/7. His eyes were slightly open, but his pupils were dilated. "Was I looking at a patient of mine, or was I looking at my dad?" I was shocked by his appearance, but my medical knowledge helped to keep me calm and rational, for the most part. When I looked at him, I knew it wasn't good. I would stay by his bedside most of the weekend, just looking at him. I tried to joke around, telling him he looked like an old man with all that hair on his face and head. My dad always kept a bald head and neat mustache. The day I had to return back to North Carolina, I knew it was the beginning of the end, and I didn't want to leave him. He was being kept alive. Everything in his once strong and youthful body was shutting down. We were losing him...

That Tuesday, I tried to resume life as normal. My son was starting his first day of kindergarten and riding the bus like a big boy! After taking a few cute pictures and seeing him on his way, I went to work. I knew that this day was going to be the day I would have to start making some tough decisions about my dad so I kept my phone on. No sooner did I finish treating the first patient, did I get the calls I was dreading. Speaking on the speaker phone with my aunts and the doctor as he matter-of- factly pointed out the dire condition of my dad, we decided collectively that my dad would not want to continue going on like this. My mom(who was divorced from my dad, but still very good friends with him) did not hesitate to drive me down to Florida to prepare to see him for the last time...

The walk to his room was the longest walk of my life. I was about to tell my dad we were letting him go. He had lived his life, and it was a good one. He had turned his life over to God and was a man with a big heart for giving and "doing right" by people. He didn't have much, but he gave what he had. God was ready to tell him, "Well done, good and faithful servant", and I had to get ready to let him go. After talking with several doctors and hospice, I decided to sign him over to hospice care so that the end of his life would be as peaceful as possible. After they removed the lines and tubes, with the exception of the pain medicine, I sat there with him; I held his hand, I sang to him (he loved my voice), I told him that it was okay to go. We would be okay. I listened closely to his breathing, and watched the pulse in his neck beat wildly as he struggled between staying with us in this life and moving on to something better in the next. Although the nurse was so kind to turn all the monitors off in the room, I could still hear them in the hallway alarming. The alarms were indicating that his blood pressure was continuing to drop, and his heart rate was getting more irregular. My dad was dying. My baby was dead inside of me. My heart was in a million pieces.

My dad held on for three hours after we removed his life support. I tried to stay with him until his last breath, but my family convinced me to go get some rest. As soon as my mom and I pulled out of the parking lot, I got the call. I ran back up there to his room, but as soon as I opened the door, I knew he was already gone. I was soooo mad at him! He just had to be in control until the end...but I had to respect the fact that he was waiting on me to leave. Although the experience of watching my dad die was grueling, it was also the most beautiful experience. There was a lot of love flowing in and out of that room all day. The heavens opened and it poured down rain upon his entrance into God's hands around 6:30 pm September 4th, 2013. My dad was free!

The next week and a half I was in a daze. The weekend that thousands of beautiful women of color were gathering in Charlotte to run, I was suddenly thrown into planning my dad's funeral. Had my aunts and mom not been with me every step of the way, I don't know how I would have made it through. Family and friends were in and out of my dad's home, the same home he watched his own parents die in. All kinds of food was in my presence. Though I was grateful, I fell into bad habits and started eating food just because it was there. I estimate I've gained between five and eight pounds in three weeks. I was feeling so lost, lost in a bad dream. Just when I thought the dream couldn't get any worst, I started to miscarry. Everything that was predicted was coming to pass. I went numb. Trying to conceal my physical and emotional pain was extremely difficult. Most of my family had found out I was pregnant, and I dare not tell them that now it was not true. I ate more. The week I was planning my dad's service, I got the opportunity to retreat to my cousin's beautiful home for a few days. It was a welcomed escape, and I got the opportunity to get out and run a little, even though I didn't feel like it. I sweated and I cried, over and over again. I made it through the viewing and beautiful service for my dad. I even gathered the strength to speak about him. He was my dad, and even though I didn't get to tell him how proud I was of him, I wanted the people that attended his service to know that I was. He was a loved man. He left a legacy.


I am struggling now to understand why everything had to happen this way, and I suppose I will for a while. Since being back home, I've tried to continue with life as usual. I'm going to work, going to the gym, shuffling David off to school, being mommy and wifey...yet still feeling that gaping hole in my heart. I've told my aunts that I am not pregnant anymore. My heart breaks because I feel like such a disappointment. This baby was supposed to be the rainbow after the storm. I tried to do everything right and took better care of myself this time, but I still lost my child. It wasn't meant to be...this time. Everyday, I wake up now I feel empty and have to find things during the day to fill that emptiness. I'm focused on building my endurance back up and losing the weight I've gained. My emotions are up and down, which I suspect is normal. I struggle with whether I made the right decisions for my dad, and I feel guilty because I couldn't help him get better. I know I have to find peace with what has happened. God is in control, and it was just his time...


Now that I am back at work, I have a new perspective on what my patients and their families go through.Even though the doctors may be telling us to let a loved one go, it isn't so black and white. I was fortunate enough(unlike most families) to know that my dad was truly suffering. Signing those hospice papers, I felt like I had some control over the situation. But I didn't. God was and still is in control, and if my dad was meant to live, God would have turned his situation around. If my baby was meant to survive, God would have made it so. A friend of mine suggested I start a gratitude journal. I think I may do that. God has blessed me far more than not. Even in the midst of tragedy, a blessing waits for me beyond the clouds. I saw a link on Facebook which said,"Describe your life in five words". My life in five words:Constantly...having...my...faith...tested. Yep, that is my life. As I look back over the last couple of years, I realize that God was preparing me for these events all along. He was getting me physically and mentally stronger. He was strategically placing people in my life and moving people closer to me to build my support system. He was drawing me closer to Him. Through it all, I'm still standing. My daddy(and mom) raised a strong woman. Although I feel lost right now, I'm confident I will find myself again. I've proven that I've got great navigational skills, and Jesus is my compass.

I love you all and stay encouraged in the midst of your storms. Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and have been called according to his purpose. In memory of my dad, Anthony General Purdy(7/7/51 - 9/4/13). I love you, daddy!

The Sweet Life

It has been a long thirty days! I challenged myself to avoid all sweets for the month of June. Boy, am I glad June is only thirty days, because thirty-one would have killed me! lol. I would not be telling the whole truth if I said I lived a completely sugar-free life for the last 30 days. I did avoid chocolate, cakes, cupcakes, pies, cookies, and candy all month. I did enjoy an occasional sweet beverage. However, I am still proud of the discipline I showed because last month I went CRAZY with the sweets. Now, I know that I don't need sugar to make it through the day. Not to make light of what drug addicts go through, but I really felt helpless to it. I made "secret" runs to the store, had a stash of Reeses in my car. Oh, it was bad! The more that I consumed, the more I wanted. I had to break the cycle because I felt dependent on sugar as a stress reliever for that short period of time. It was no longer something I truly enjoyed occasionally as a treat. Sugar was something I started to depend on to get me through the day. I was getting an "addicts" mentality, and I did not want to go down that road. Thankfully, I continued to be very active, but I did put on a few pounds for whatever reason; it could have been the sugar, the weight training,or my hormones.

This month has been great, and busy!...my baby boy has been out of town enjoying the company of his grandparents for the last month. I have certainly enjoyed this much needed time alone with my husband. We've enjoyed attempting to make home improvements, and impromptu late night runs to Wal-mart. I've gotten a chance to really focus on my fitness. I could run or workout at times I normally wouldn't be able to, and I have gotten to run more with different Black Girls Run groups around the city. Some of them would probably tell you that I've been a running fool! We take a group picture at the end of each run and post them on the BGR Charlotte Facebook page. I've probably been in about 20 pictures this month alone. By the looks of my Nike Run App, I guess I am a fool for running. I have logged over 50 miles this month! I am not sure if this is a first because I've never been real consistent with tracking my miles up until now. Even still, there were a few short runs I did this month that I didn't track. Some runs were slower than others, but regardless, I finished! It has been very humid lately, which my body does not handle well. So I have been focusing more on frequency, and less on speed and distance. I've been so busy and active, I've hardly noticed the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup minis at the checkout counter, or the cookies from Qdoba at work. Nope, didn't give them a second glance! I've been tightening up,and although I have only lost about two of the six pounds I've gained, I've never felt more in shape or beautiful!

So, tomorrow marks the 1st day of my 17 day long birthday celebration! Since I turned 29, birthdays have been very important to me. Maybe it is because at 29, I decided to make a turn for better health. I saw a truth about myself I've always known, but was too afraid to confront. I felt I didn't deserve to feel good about my self, and I hid it behind being a people-pleaser and over-eater. I didn't want to go into my 30s feeling the same way. So, for the next 17 days until my big day, I must warn you all, I may be a little bit obnoxious and extremely sentimental! I have been thinking of ways to celebrate every day in small ways. One thought that came to mind was to celebrate a person who has had a big impact in my life each day of the 17 days. I am going to write a journal entry(I actually have a paper journal, too) about each person and do a Facebook entry about that person as well. I want to focus on myself, but celebrate others who have positively impacted my life as well. I also want to do something I've never done before, like rock-climbing(in doors, of course) or hike a local mountain.


So, just continue to follow me on the journey...it is not over yet. I may be saying goodbye to 31, but I am rejoicing in the blessings I have now and the ones coming my way. It has been very hard for me to not be anxious about the things my heart truly desires. My good friend shared a quote today from Christine Caine, a powerful woman of God who has preached at my church many times. She said, "Don't put a due date on something God is going to deliver in due season.". I needed to hear that so much! I know that my desires need to be in line with God's will, and I have been praying the two become aligned. So I am dedicated to stepping into 32 with this quote in mind. I'm gonna live the Sweet Life with maybe a little less sweets this time around! Here's to my new year!

Weighed Down

Well folks, I got through most of May without weighing myself, and I am not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. On the plus side, I was not obsessive with jumping on the dreadful scale. I really tried to focus on other indicators of being healthy, such as how I felt inside and how my clothes fit on the outside. It wasn’t until this past week when I went to my doctor to check on some things that I became concerned. I had put on about six pounds over the past four weeks! For some people, this may not sound like much, but for me, I was in melt down mode! I might as well have gained 60 pounds! My husband says, “I am sure it is all muscle”. I have been working hard on improving the definition of my arms and doing a million squats which probably enhanced my already genetically blessed derrière and thighs. May, for various reasons was also a very stressful month for me. I looked to sugar for comfort frequently. It also did not help that there were multiple events which involved food at the hospital I work at, and it was very rare to find something healthy on those menus. Talk about one of healthcare’s biggest contradictions…we are health professionals and we reward ourselves with unhealthy foods. Can we get a nice, catered salad bar, please? I’ve also recently stopped taking anything that would prevent a baby from forming, but I doubt if a kid was growing in my womb he or she would have caused such a rapid weight gain.


So, it is June 1st. I have pledged to not eat sweets over the next 30 days and should I get a craving for something sugary, I will reach for a piece of fruit instead. I was very proud of myself today. We had our company picnic, and I did not have one dessert! My husband has also taken up juicing, which has helped him shed a few pounds. I have benefited from this by supplementing an occasional breakfast meal with a nice blend of fruits and veggies. I have noticed that I can’t get into my size 8 pants anymore, which is a little disheartening, but I don’t feel jiggly. I feel pretty firm and fit; I just wish the scale would mirror what I feel. I am much more optimistic this month, and excited about trying for another child. Like I said before, this will be a different experience from my past pregnancy. With my son, David, I started off grossly overweight, tipping the scale at 250 upon entering my ninth month. I don’t even know how I made it to the ninth month being only 5’2 and my belly was spread from the east to the west coast! I regretfully had to have a caesarean section, which thankfully was uncomplicated. If I can avoid having one this time, it would be such a blessing. This time around, I am at my healthiest weight since high school; I am six years older, and very physically active. My goal is to only gain between 15 to 20 pounds the next pregnancy (so, kid, if you’re in there, I hope you are listening!). I am inspired by the women in my Black Girls Run group. One woman just finished her first half marathon while several months pregnant! God willing, this will be me. Of course I will do my best not to endanger my child for the sake of maintaining my current lifestyle. I will do all the necessary modifications to ensure that we stay as active and healthy as possible so that I can make it to a safe delivery.


Currently, my son is over 2000 miles away with his grandparents for the next month. Though I miss him terribly, I am grateful for this little break. My husband and I are having a great time together, and learning more about each other (you’d think we would know everything about each other after nearly fourteen years together). We are attempting to do some minor home improvements(note, I said attempting. Neither of us is very handy). I am getting more opportunities to run with the girls of Black Girls Run all over the Charlotte area. I love the camaraderie and I enjoy sharing my story with others. I am fortunate enough to be a social media ambassador for Black Girls Run this year, and I have started a new blog, solejourney2013.blogspot.com. The blog will feature various topics while tracing my journey as I embark on training/preparing for the upcoming Black Girls Run “Sweat With Your Sole” 5K/10K race and conference in September. The conference will be held in Charlotte this year, so I am extremely excited it is right at my back door. I hope to convince my mom to run the 5k race. For this next month, I am going to try my best to stay positive even in the midst of the little storms. I have got 47 days until my 32nd birthday;I have got to keep it tight and right! Thank God for the ability to run! It has been my saving grace through some of May’s trials. I really don’t think I would have bounced back as quickly had running not been an outlet for me.

“I don’t have to feel weighed down by life’s burdens. God is strong enough to carry that weight for me, free of charge.” ---Sanpri

Bliss!

April was a good month. The first two weeks I spent diligently preparing for one of my best friend’s wedding. I was so excited, probably more so than her (she was rather stressed, to say the least). I had never been in a wedding before(aside from my own), and I was the matron of honor. One of my responsibilities was to host the bridal shower/bachelorette party.
Out on the town!

The Happy Bride


The night was filled with good food, laughter, and some “passion” secrets. I also came to the realization that I am too old and too young to go out. We had a great time, but I don’t think the night scene is for everyone. We spent a lot of time dodging dirty old men who looked like their primary residence was the club! At some point you have to grow up. Partying that hard ages you. I don’t know about you, but I am trying to stay as youthful as possible! We are in our early thirties, which is an awkward time in adulthood. You are too old to hang with the twenty somethings, and too young to hang with the REALLY grown, sexy forty and up crowd. Be that as it may, my goal was for the bride to have a good time, and I think collectively as a bridal party we achieved that. The wedding itself was very beautiful. The bride looked gorgeous, of course, and as a first time bridesmaid I must say I felt very pretty. I think we all were grateful that she didn’t pick out anything that was unflattering or fugly (yes, fugly is a word, and I have seen plenty of attire that would fit this description!). I actually took time out to get lessons on how to apply my own make up. For an amateur, I think I did a pretty decent job .
Getting pretty!

I love that dress!I will wear it again!

As I was looking back through the pictures, I could not believe how toned I looked. I still feel as if I have a long way to go, but it was such a shock to see muscle definition in my arms and how skinny my neck was, lol(my husband says he can always tell that I am losing weight because my neck is the first to go). Though I was tired after the party, the rehearsal, and the wedding, it was a great weekend! I reconnected with old friends and celebrated the love between two great individuals.

I also managed to get in some good runs with a couple of girls from BGR Jacksonville. Oh, you didn’t think the whole weekend was going to be all fun and no work, did you? Two weeks prior to the wedding I went on a fast from chocolate, cakes, cookies, basically all of the foods that put me in my happy place. I knew that I was going to eat a little more than usual (and possibly drink a little, too). I wanted to make sure I had room to grow if necessary. We got back from a night on the town around 12:30 am. I was up at 4:30 am heading to meet a girl to run. I even got in my squats and dead lifts afterwards. On that Sunday, I met another friend and we took a scenic walk/run on the bridges in downtown Jacksonville early in the a.m. I lived in Jacksonville for 10 years of my life and I had never done this. The skyline is so beautiful early in the morning, and it was such a peaceful time. When I got home and weighed myself, I actually lost the couple of pounds I had gained. Although I love the Charlotte area, I always enjoy going back home to see my family. I need that type of familial love around me every now and then. Something about it rejuvenates my spirit. I also had to resolve that it may be the last time I see the house my mom and stepdad have lived in for the past 9 years because they are moving to Charlotte to be closer to me! However, I will continue to go back to visit my dad and other family members. My roots are in the Ville!



Jacksonville Skyline at 6 am

In other news, it is now the month of May. I am on to a couple of new challenges. The first is doing away with the scale. The thought of this terrified me. As I said in an earlier post, I tend to weigh myself on a daily basis as a way to keep my eating in check. I discovered that this habit was becoming very obsessive, and it was not necessary anymore because now I am aware of how my body should feel in certain clothes that I wear. At one point my legs felt very heavy, but they have increased in muscle tone because I have been doing like 1,000 squats a day. So as of now, it has been nearly a week since I looked at the scale. It hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. Actually, it has been very freeing! I am also on to a new exercise challenge to continue with toning my whole body so I can get sundress and tankini ready (no bikini, too many stretch marks!) I have been presented with an opportunity to blog about my experience with Black Girls Run during our second annual conference, which will be in Charlotte in September.

I will also let you all in on a kinda, sorta, secret(but I have said it before): We are in the process of planning for our second child! I used the word “planning” very loosely, because no matter how much you plan you can never be fully prepared. I say this also to solicit your prayers because we are both a little anxious and wonder how a second child will change our lives.I am also a little apprehensive because I am older now, my body, though healthy, is a lot different than it used to be. Being more active has shot my hormones all over the place. So, a major prayer is that this process will not be more difficult the second time around. I spoke my desire to the universe, but I know God's will will be done.Whatever happens, I count it all joy! By the end of this month, we will be ready to dive on in! lol. At least this time around, I am at a healthy weight and I plan on sustaining an active lifestyle as much as my body will allow. This month has felt like total bliss. I witnessed two great people be joined together for life. I took on some new challenges physically and professionally as a clinical instructor. I do have my stressors (work, people, etc.) but I am in a very happy place and anticipate so many wonderful changes to come. I am my happiest when I am being productive on my own terms, and helping others in the process.


Below is an excerpt from a personal letter I was asked to write to a teen girl encouraging and affirming her worth for a summit hosted this past weekend called “imatter”. I jumped at the chance to write it, because among one of my other aspirations is to be a mentor for a teenage girl. I certainly wished I would have followed my own advice years ago!
“…Take care of yourself, physically, mentally, spiritually. You can’t be completely healthy in one of these areas and not the other two, speaking from personal experience. At my highest weight (without being pregnant) I was 226 lbs. I was mentally exhausted from my job and trying to please other people. Spiritually, I was not where I needed to be. My relationships suffered because I was not happy with me. What good is it to have pretty hair and nails all the time if your body feels and looks like crap, and your life expectancy is only to 40 years old? You cannot do all the things in this life that God desires you to do if you don’t take care of yourself physically first. Losing weight (by exercising daily and eating right) was the best thing that ever happened to me. Now down to a healthy 150 lbs, I discovered a passion I never thought in a million years I would have, the love of running. At the same time I feel like I am doing God’s work and encouraging others to be their best selves, too. Maybe you aren’t overweight, but there is always room for improvement. Getting physically strong will give you mental clarity, spiritual freedom and help you to discover strengths you never thought you had. Getting in shape saved my life!”

Me feeling great!

It has been 8 months since I met my weight loss goal. Some plusses and minuses along the way, but keeping steady over all with new challenges monthly.

“If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you”—Fred Devito