When Everyone Is Okay With You but You

Me, Sept 2011

The last couple of weeks, I have been working hard to meet my 50 pound weight loss mark. It has been very difficult, coming off slowly, but physically I feel strong. Along with the weight loss comes the wonderful compliments from friends, coworkers and family. Believe me, I appreciate them all. At times, however, I feel a little awkward receiving them and I am at a lost as to how to respond. I have come a long way, but I am not yet where I need or want to be. Many have said I look great at the current weight I am at. My husband even jokingly (but,I think he was a little serious) said that he only wanted me to lose seven more pounds. He thinks I am beautiful just as I am at this moment in time. I have tried to explain to him that I have to lose what I feel is necessary to lose in order to feel like I really accomplished what I set out to do, which is to be at a healthy weight for life. I know how easy it is for people in my family to gain weight. I don't want to get to a point where I am too comfortable with myself thinking that the weight cannot creep on up again.

I think about the possibility of us having another child. I hope that this time around I will be at a better mental and physical state to lose the baby weight more easily if I get pregnant at a healthy weight. I just don't want to get into that cycle again. I know how easily stressed and frustrated I get at life when things don't go as I plan them. It is very hard for me to "go with the flow", which places me at a higher risk to be an emotional eater. I have felt at times as if I was a drug addict who hit rock bottom. Only a person who knows what it means to hit rock bottom, knows that it is at that point you start recognizing something in your life has to drastically change. Yet the demons, the temptations are always there in the midst of your triumphs. For a person who is fragile and new to recovery, the self doubt sets in, which begins the cycle.

I love that everyone is okay with the "new me". However, I want to be able to feel okay deep down in my soul. I don't want to feel like my confidence or body image is superficial. But I guess sometimes one has to create a facade in order to get through life, until that feeling of unwavering confidence completely shines through. With all that being said, I hope this didn't sound too depressing. This is just what I am feeling at the moment. Pray for me that I remember what God sees in me is so much greater than what I see, and he is never wrong!

Me, July 2010





WEIGHT LOSS TO DATE: 49 lbs! Almost there....